Getting Back to Life

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Its been a very long hiatus from this blog for me. For a long, long time, I felt as if there really wasn’t much to write. Not here, anyway.

On the Computer

I used to write – all sorts of stuff. But in my computer’s diary app. (First I used MacJournal, and then I began using EverNote). But then, I realized that writing on my blog was so much more freeing!

Searching for Apps

Then, of course, I searched around for a nice app that would make it easier for me to do that. Since the apps I found weren’t all that useful, I kinda just gave up.
Now I think, I’ve found a solution that just might do the trick. You may want to check out Byword and see if it works for you.
I am beginning to see how this can easily become a wonderful integration into my workflow.

To Write Again…

To write on this blog again, would mean exposing all my thoughts and feelings for the world to see. The way I figured it though, I don’t think many people are actually reading this blog anyways. So what the heck!
And if someone is actually reading it, then go ahead! I’ve stopped wanting to feel bothered by it anymore.
Writing means letting go of all the fears that hold you back. You have to let go of all the things that make you feel exposed, vulnerable and open to ridicule. Because no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, and no matter what you tell people, they will make you feel exposed, vulnerable and ridicule you… So I might as well get my thoughts out there, while I’m at it.

Many Changes…

There have been so many changes in my life these past 5+ years since I moved here. I recently even went back to India for a month.
Suddenly, I felt as if I had walked right back into a very badly scripted melodrama. LOL
Why is it that every time I let people into my world, I feel this way? I feel as if I am standing right in the middle and all this (really weird, and really badly written) soap opera is being played out all around me. I am often too detached, but I do get caught up in the various things that go on.
It can be very tiring, let me tell you. Watching people making complete idiots of themselves, watching me make a fool of myself, watching people getting caught up in events of their lives, watching me getting caught up with life events – all of it makes for a very melodramtic, soap opera-type of a scene.

But Yeah…

Regardless, I want to write here about all the things I do think about and feel.
Right now, all this is all I feel like typing out. So let me get back to my work, so I can write some more tomorrow. Or whenever.

The Hero(ine)’s Journey: Coincidences Much?

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There comes a point of time in everyone’s life – everything comes to a point of crisis, and all your long-held beliefs shatter, all the foundations and structures break down, and everything you know about your life ceases to exist.

It is at precisely this point in your life, that you realize that all you thought about – about your self, about your life and everything else in it – everything is not what it seems to be.

That’s when your life changes. You have a blank slate in front of you – and a ray of light – clarity emerges. You then begin a journey of discovery. You find out who and what you really are, and of course, discover what it is you want to be / do in life. You find your path, your calling. And of course, when you decide to pursue that path, life opens all its doors for you.

A new adventure begins – a new journey of self discovery, self examination, and more importantly, self awareness.

I do believe that I went through such a process in my late 20s, which led to me discovering what I wanted to do in my life. And I began to do it.

The macro journey has more or less continued till date, surviving my transition from India to the USA. Great!

To be honest, I am pretty much doing a ‘repeat the story’ thing here, and all that is fine. The challenges are different, new, and exciting. But, honestly, it is more of the same thing – you know, kind of like eating ice cream, just another flavor of it. It can be nice, but you cant simply keep changing the flavors all the bloody time – even that can get repetitive.

So, here I was, sitting and wondering, what, if at all would be the next level of this particular journey – kind of like how it is in video games – you win one level, and then you have pretty much the same story repeating in the next level of the game, but maybe different adventures, different territories, different villains, and most especially different goals.

And of course, the challenge level is also a bit more.

Plus, it has just come to my notice that my Saturn Return period (Sade-sati in Marathi / Hindi) is on the verge of ending. This is a very important milestone. Most people dread the Saturn Return – they say it is a period of harsh lessons and troubled transitions. Sure, it was one for me too – although for me, it may have lasted for a bit more than the 7.5 years – but I digress. Transitions are good – this means, I get to advance to the next level of the game.

So, what will be the next level for me? Honestly, I still don’t know for sure – but based on past experiences, I do believe that the picture will soon emerge and clarity will once more shine through.

When these sort of things happen, you begin to notice a series of coincidences in your life – this truly happens when you are on the right path. And since these coincidences have begun, I am getting the feeling that the adventure – albeit a new adventure – is very much about to begin for me.

That being said, let me share the beginning of the story with you – coz that’s how far along I have come! :)

Joseph Campbell

Joseph Campbell

It all began, of course, with me wondering what was next. And then I got this pro-bono website assignment. Which led to a small paid assignment. And on the phone with this client, we got to talking about myths – one of my favorite topics. And he mentioned Joseph Campbell, and his book titled ‘The Power of Myth‘.

Now, I was truly taken by surprise!!

There is this truly amazing course I want to do, and it is an M.A.+PhD in Mythological Studies. Yeah right, truly – and the University that offers this course has this huge library that has some connection with Joseph Campbell. So I knew of this name. I just didn’t know more about this guy. Not one to ignore these coincidences, I decided to see where it took me.

Anyhow, I looked up the ‘Power of Myth’ on iBooks, and there it was. So I downloaded the sample, and began reading. Impressed, I bought the book and continued reading.

That led to me searching for more on Amazon and Netflix – and sure enough, You Tube. And I discover a huge treasure trove of info on the guy.

He was a Mythologist – and he said a couple of things which I have been saying for the longest time – only he proved it and wrote a bunch of books about it too!

One thing he says is: All myths have the same common themes, only they change with geographic location to add / subtract stuff here and there to suit it.

Another thing he says is: Follow your bliss, and doors will open for you.

OMG!

I watched his videos on You Tube and was mesmerized with his storytelling abilities. He made myths look so much fun!

The Hero With A Thousand Faces

The Hero With A Thousand Faces

And so, I checked out a few of his documentaries on Netflix, and am now reading ‘The Hero With A Thousand Faces‘, have a couple of more docus lined up in my Netflix queue, and so forth.

And also, guess what, a clearer picture of the themes of my life, and of the next level of the journey is beginning to emerge. I don’t quite know what the right words are for it – sometimes words are hard to come by with the blinding light of sense – but I kinda know where I am headed now.

So yeah – I want to extend my sincere gratitude to the Universe, for sending the right clues my way, and giving me the sense to know that they were clues and so forth. I honor and respect it, and I promise to pursue it to the conclusion – till this level ends, and another begins after that.

I mean, isn’t that what life is all about, after all, a journey towards understanding, realizations, sense and knowledge?

Meanwhile, I leave you with a few interesting videos so that you understand what I mean…. Enjoy!

A Playlist of Interesting Videos relating to Joseph Campbell on You Tube.

So Tired…

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Be warned: this is a total and complete rant. So yeah, if you don’t like this sort of thing, then just stay away.

I am tired – bone weary and soul weary tired. Tired of everything. It is so very cold where I am – not just outside, where Fall has yet to set in, and the cool winds have begun blowing, but it is so very cold inside of me as well.

I find myself stuck in a place where I don’t want to be in anymore. I am sick of sickness. Yes. That’s what it is, perhaps. All of this sickness around me is making me sick. Sickness in body, sickness in mind, and sickness in soul – all of this is making me sick, inside and outside.

Sometimes I feel like escaping – I so miss my druggie days – when lost in the cloud of the marijuana smoke I could just forget. Forget about the pain, the loss, the suffering… forget everything, and just be happy.

People say, that one ought not to be selfish. But what am I to do… I never learnt the art of being compromising. All I ever do is nurture, nourish and take care – of others. Never of myself.

And right now, just right now, all I want to do is take care of myself.

You see, my father is dying. He has lung cancer. Makes me want to and smoke, but I control it. But I give in then, when the urge is unbearable. I don’t know or think or want to quit. If one day, death is to come for me, then I say, “Let Him Come!” and let it be quick.

Just one year after I came here, mom went through a life and death heart surgery. Cut to one and half years later, my dad gets Cancer. And I can’t bear to be around him.

No, its not because he was miserable to me while I was growing up. Not at all. I detached from that a long time ago. No. What I can’t bear is to see him slowly die. I can’t bear to see the life slowly seep out of him like water drips out of a leaky faucet. He is trying to be positive. He is going to begin his treatment – the horrible Chemotherapy – which is a death sentence in itself. And I don’t find myself capable enough to just stand and watch.

At one point of time, I thought I could stand and watch practically anything without flinching – either inwardly or outwardly. But I can’t seem to do that anymore. I can’t.

I just want to go away to some other place where no one knows me and where I don’t know anyone.

I want to go to some place where no one cares for me, and I care for no one.

As it is, we are born alone and we die alone. Why not live alone.

And for a long time I was living alone.

Now I want to do it again.

Just be alone.

When I came here to the US, I decided not to make any friends – because just like most of my friends back home, I didn’t want to have any more like them over here. All they did was look to me for support – but only a few have remained true. They were there for me when I needed them. But I – the fool – was always there for them. By and large, I have always attracted those sort of people into my life. Not anymore.

Which is why I refrained from friends, and even boyfriends over here. I didn’t want to be the caretaker.

But it seldom is the case that what we wish for is generously given, eh! If not friends, then I have family.

Someone or the other.

Why can’t people just leave me alone?

I am so very tired of dealing with people and the interminable noise that they make. Yes. Noise. That’s just what it all amounts to. What more can they do?

Cackling like ducks, they go about their lives squirming in petty jealousies and paltry egos. I am quite tired of all of their stupidities.

Sometimes, I feel I might just go mad, surrounded by all these harpies.

The monsters are coming again – and I am scared. Where shall I go? Who should I turn to? What will build me the walls again? Everything is crumbling, falling, and the abyss is clear across the road. I fear I must cross and descend once again. The depths are comfortable, deep and dark. The silence is echoing, beckoning, and familiar. I must not stop myself, for that is my destiny. And it calls me, again.

I must not stop. I must not.

Long Time No Write…

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It has been a very long time that I haven’t posted about the goings on in my life. I suppose, those of you who have me on your FaceBook might know, or maybe not. More than anything else, this blog is a place for me to rant once in a while, and sometimes I think it is a record of my life’s journey, albeit online.

Nevertheless. I think an update is long overdue. :)

So. Where to begin? Lets see…

Professional Life – yeah, that looks like the safe and nice way to begin, isn’t it? Well, its going good, ifI have to say so myself. They say any business takes a few years to get off the ground. And as such, it is true. It took me about 4-odd years to get my freelance business off the ground back home. And its lifebeen a couple of years since I came here. My real effort in terms of my business started a few months ago, and its been paying off quite well, thank you very much. The graph can only go upwards now, because there’s no downwards in this journey. Slow and steady. But yes, its getting there.

Personal Life – well, this is indeed a hit and miss scenario. (When was it any other way, huh?)

Well, I am trying to figure many things out. Some answers have come through to me via the Universe, and some, well, not yet. Nevertheless, Existence has been kind enough with me. And for that I am grateful.

There was a weird time in the past few months when all and sundry were after my life to get married. Of course, I resisted. I even checked out Shaadi dot com, but I didn’t make an account. The way I see it, me and marriage are not a marriage made in heaven! LOL

Trust me, you had to be there – random strangers advising me to get married! The voice in my head is sometimes so very snarky and makes me laugh so much!

Just had a couple of interesting realizations a few days back. They aren’t easy. In fact, they’ve given me a bit of a depressed feeling. But here it is: I have problems with trust where making new friends is concerned, I have met and lost the one guy who in all probability was my soul mate and therefore have no hope of ever finding another soul mate again, and there are some other things that I can’t have which money can’t buy.

Yeah, I know, normally, I take these things with a smile on my face and live through the day. But today, I am feeling a bit down. Knowing my proclivities, I am damn sure, I will bounce back by the time this weekend’s done.

I know that there is a differing thought process between my head and heart – and my head is pretty much in a happy place, my heart, well, that isn’t. And so it will pass. Just like everything else in life.

Writing – yes – this is a completely different area of my life. Probably an area that supersedes it all. I mean, personal sh*t and professional stuff aside, writing is a totally different area of my life. These writingthings usually don’t have to touch it. Although in the past I have allowed it to. But not so anymore.

Building up all kinds of psychological and psychic defenses for each area of your life, after separating them in the first place takes a lot of effort. It is a lot of hard work. But I find that I have achieved it to some major degree.

Anyhow, I am writing again. Can you believe it? After a lull of over 5 or 6 years, I wrote a new short story a few months ago. And I could glimpse the same overwhelming feeling all over again. It is as if I am afraid to let myself go deep into that space.

I guess being practical for so long has rubbed off on me. So it has to happen that I need to build the protective walls around this area of my life – so that I can then freely let go. It is important that I have to do this. And I think this is a work in progress – something that’ll happen as I write along.

I have also realized something interesting: just like I read more than one book at a time (sometimes I am concurrently reading 3 books at a time), I need to write more than one book at a time. Really nuts! My brain apparently works on only two settings: On Steroids, or On A Break. There seems to be no middle ground or middle way for it. Ah well, I dealt with it and live with it.

So, I’ve started writing: 2 books. One is my fiction book, and one is my Tarot book. I know, both have been long overdue. And professionally, I am editing this manuscript for this writer who has written this brilliant novel. So there you have it – 3 books. And everything falls into place, right?

Reading – And am also reading 2 different book series too. One is the Game of Thrones series, and feed book coverthe other series had the first book called ‘Feed‘. I’ve finished the first book of both the series, and now on the second book for GOT and have downloaded the sample of Feed 2 in my iBooks to start in a bit. Plus, I read this book called ‘Winter Sea‘ in between, which I believe was a very well written book – something that’s quite rare these days. The author has woven the story so well, that the book could serve as a primer for writers like me who struggle with these things sometimes. Only sometimes. The struggle, I mean…  :)

Tech Stuff – Yes, this is a also a very important part of my life. I am exploring Mac OS X Lion which to me is great so far. Love my iPad as well. Am always exploring GTD workflows. And I think I’ve found my groove with these things. And things are progressing fairly well, I think. Time management and discipline are the key – trust me.

TV – oh yes! After spending many years without a TV and having then stumbled upon American Television, I find myself scheduling a few series into my calendar. I use this site called Next-Episode battlestar galacticadot net to add series to my watch list, and then export every month’s calendar into my iCal so I get these reminders. Plus I have the TV Forecast widget on my dashboard, and the TV Forecast iPad app – so I get reminded no matter what I am doing, or where I might be.

Some interesting series I am watching these days include Suits, Necessary Roughness, White Collar and Alphas. Besides, I have also started Netflix and we even bought this new HD TV to go with it (its got a Netflix app and everything) – so I end up watching movies and old TV series on streaming. Its awesome. Among the ones I watched recently, Battlestar Galactica sure caught my eye! I mean, this series has got to be one of the best I’ve seen so far! Trust me. It weaves a good plot line and is full of these amazing characters – it just takes a hold. If ever there was a series that could singlehandedly become a competition to StarGate for me, then BSG is it. I know you all will call me a “Shol’va” (Goa’uld / Jaffa word for Traitor) for this, but hey, a girl likes what a girl likes.

After all, “All of this has happened before, and will happen again,” right?

So, what else is left now? If anything is, just drop me a line. I am in a good sharing mood right about now. LOL.

No Nudity in front of the Dog

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20110423-023807.jpgMy younger sister, Tanuja has a really cute Labrador called Toby. In May sometime, she is planning to go visit India. She plans to leave Toby with us when she does. So today, as a trial run, they left him with us for the whole day – It will be Sunday afternoon when they’ll come by to pick him up and take him back home.

This way, everyone will know if Toby stays with us. Plus he will get it in his cute, lil Doggy head that he does stay here sometimes.

20110423-023517.jpgNow Toby is a sweetheart and a darling. My sister and I were the ones who’d gone by to the breeder’s place and picked him out from among all the other little puppies out there – and let me tell the fella was so tiny… but if you look at him now, he’s grown up … Makes you feel like a huge adult watching them grow, doesn’t it?

You know, if it weren’t for my mom’s allergies I would probably have had a zoo by now! Alas!

Well, now here’s the thing. I normally don’t have much of an issue with nudity – either on the watching or the doing end of it. Many of my close friends will attest to the fact. Now I must put in a disclaimer here that I don’t make it a habit to move around in my birthday suit, so no need to put up all the cameras … but I don’t have any issues with it either. I am kinda immune to the effects of nude bodies… just not built that way I guess.. It doesn’t make me awkward or anything…

20110423-023933.jpgAnyhow, so I was undressing to go for my shower. But then Toby walks in and stands there looking at me … and then right in the middle of taking off my shirt and tracks, I froze. For a second there, I was like, do I go nude in front of this … this … little child? Seriously, that is exactly what I think of him – he is like a little child… and somehow, I just couldn’t undress.

So off I went to the bathroom for my shower … with my clothes on. Naturally, I disrobed before I took my shower… but then I thought that this was the most weirdest thing ever… It like I want to PG-7 filter the stuff Toby can see!

LOL

Serious weirdness, right?

~

In other news, I was watching Inception the other day, and once again, I was blown over by the amazingly tight script, plot-line and characterization of the movie – this one is for the DVD-BluRay Combo Packs people!

So I leave you with an info graphic or two that I managed to download from the internet somewhere… these are the 2 that I absolutely liked for the way they depicted the whole scenario…

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Oh and I am using the WordPress app on my iPad to write this.. and am using a really cute Bluetooth keyboard to write – its my experience that long term typing on this device using the on-screen keyboard is a sure-fire recipe for carpal tunnel or some weird wrist-finger pain disease… LOL
The Bluetooth Keyboard is the best thing I ever invested in – especially in the iPad accessory department… So lets hope this experiment is a success.

And dear, sweet Toby is lying by my feet, sweetly napping away as I write – its his way of waiting till I am done with my stuff, so I can go play with him again – Dogs need so much attention really!

Life With Mom Sure Is Funny

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Life with mom sure is funny!

Every Friday (when the Season is on for the show), mom and I religiously make the sacred trek down to the basement to watch Merlin on SyFy.

Right after Merlin, nowadays they’ve started showing a series called Being Human. The series is about a vampire, a werewolf and a ghost living together in an apartment, trying to figure out their lives and their ‘conditions’, all the while trying to make sense of stuff. Admittedly, I haven’t watched much of the series, just a few clips here and there, so I don’t know much about the plot intricacies. That being said, whatever clips we’ve ended up watching, had a bunch of blood and gore in it.

Just before the series starts, we have a blurb that tells us that the ‘content is for mature audiences and that parental discretion is advised’.

Based on my mom’s reactions to such kind of shows, I freely translate the term ‘parental discretion’ to mean: ‘parents are advised not to watch this stuff coz it’s got a bunch of blood and gore which we know you can’t handle watching, but your kid can’….

So I tell my mom this and she agrees, and we burst out laughing….

Whaddya think? Fun, eh!