There comes a point of time in everyone’s life – everything comes to a point of crisis, and all your long-held beliefs shatter, all the foundations and structures break down, and everything you know about your life ceases to exist.

It is at precisely this point in your life, that you realize that all you thought about – about your self, about your life and everything else in it – everything is not what it seems to be.

That’s when your life changes. You have a blank slate in front of you – and a ray of light – clarity emerges. You then begin a journey of discovery. You find out who and what you really are, and of course, discover what it is you want to be / do in life. You find your path, your calling. And of course, when you decide to pursue that path, life opens all its doors for you.

A new adventure begins – a new journey of self discovery, self examination, and more importantly, self awareness.

I do believe that I went through such a process in my late 20s, which led to me discovering what I wanted to do in my life. And I began to do it.

The macro journey has more or less continued till date, surviving my transition from India to the USA. Great!

To be honest, I am pretty much doing a ‘repeat the story’ thing here, and all that is fine. The challenges are different, new, and exciting. But, honestly, it is more of the same thing – you know, kind of like eating ice cream, just another flavor of it. It can be nice, but you cant simply keep changing the flavors all the bloody time – even that can get repetitive.

So, here I was, sitting and wondering, what, if at all would be the next level of this particular journey – kind of like how it is in video games – you win one level, and then you have pretty much the same story repeating in the next level of the game, but maybe different adventures, different territories, different villains, and most especially different goals.

And of course, the challenge level is also a bit more.

Plus, it has just come to my notice that my Saturn Return period (Sade-sati in Marathi / Hindi) is on the verge of ending. This is a very important milestone. Most people dread the Saturn Return – they say it is a period of harsh lessons and troubled transitions. Sure, it was one for me too – although for me, it may have lasted for a bit more than the 7.5 years – but I digress. Transitions are good – this means, I get to advance to the next level of the game.

So, what will be the next level for me? Honestly, I still don’t know for sure – but based on past experiences, I do believe that the picture will soon emerge and clarity will once more shine through.

When these sort of things happen, you begin to notice a series of coincidences in your life – this truly happens when you are on the right path. And since these coincidences have begun, I am getting the feeling that the adventure – albeit a new adventure – is very much about to begin for me.

That being said, let me share the beginning of the story with you – coz that’s how far along I have come! :)

Joseph Campbell

Joseph Campbell

It all began, of course, with me wondering what was next. And then I got this pro-bono website assignment. Which led to a small paid assignment. And on the phone with this client, we got to talking about myths – one of my favorite topics. And he mentioned Joseph Campbell, and his book titled ‘The Power of Myth‘.

Now, I was truly taken by surprise!!

There is this truly amazing course I want to do, and it is an M.A.+PhD in Mythological Studies. Yeah right, truly – and the University that offers this course has this huge library that has some connection with Joseph Campbell. So I knew of this name. I just didn’t know more about this guy. Not one to ignore these coincidences, I decided to see where it took me.

Anyhow, I looked up the ‘Power of Myth’ on iBooks, and there it was. So I downloaded the sample, and began reading. Impressed, I bought the book and continued reading.

That led to me searching for more on Amazon and Netflix – and sure enough, You Tube. And I discover a huge treasure trove of info on the guy.

He was a Mythologist – and he said a couple of things which I have been saying for the longest time – only he proved it and wrote a bunch of books about it too!

One thing he says is: All myths have the same common themes, only they change with geographic location to add / subtract stuff here and there to suit it.

Another thing he says is: Follow your bliss, and doors will open for you.

OMG!

I watched his videos on You Tube and was mesmerized with his storytelling abilities. He made myths look so much fun!

The Hero With A Thousand Faces

The Hero With A Thousand Faces

And so, I checked out a few of his documentaries on Netflix, and am now reading ‘The Hero With A Thousand Faces‘, have a couple of more docus lined up in my Netflix queue, and so forth.

And also, guess what, a clearer picture of the themes of my life, and of the next level of the journey is beginning to emerge. I don’t quite know what the right words are for it – sometimes words are hard to come by with the blinding light of sense – but I kinda know where I am headed now.

So yeah – I want to extend my sincere gratitude to the Universe, for sending the right clues my way, and giving me the sense to know that they were clues and so forth. I honor and respect it, and I promise to pursue it to the conclusion – till this level ends, and another begins after that.

I mean, isn’t that what life is all about, after all, a journey towards understanding, realizations, sense and knowledge?

Meanwhile, I leave you with a few interesting videos so that you understand what I mean…. Enjoy!

A Playlist of Interesting Videos relating to Joseph Campbell on You Tube.

Be warned: this is a total and complete rant. So yeah, if you don’t like this sort of thing, then just stay away.

I am tired – bone weary and soul weary tired. Tired of everything. It is so very cold where I am – not just outside, where Fall has yet to set in, and the cool winds have begun blowing, but it is so very cold inside of me as well.

I find myself stuck in a place where I don’t want to be in anymore. I am sick of sickness. Yes. That’s what it is, perhaps. All of this sickness around me is making me sick. Sickness in body, sickness in mind, and sickness in soul – all of this is making me sick, inside and outside.

Sometimes I feel like escaping – I so miss my druggie days – when lost in the cloud of the marijuana smoke I could just forget. Forget about the pain, the loss, the suffering… forget everything, and just be happy.

People say, that one ought not to be selfish. But what am I to do… I never learnt the art of being compromising. All I ever do is nurture, nourish and take care – of others. Never of myself.

And right now, just right now, all I want to do is take care of myself.

You see, my father is dying. He has lung cancer. Makes me want to and smoke, but I control it. But I give in then, when the urge is unbearable. I don’t know or think or want to quit. If one day, death is to come for me, then I say, “Let Him Come!” and let it be quick.

Just one year after I came here, mom went through a life and death heart surgery. Cut to one and half years later, my dad gets Cancer. And I can’t bear to be around him.

No, its not because he was miserable to me while I was growing up. Not at all. I detached from that a long time ago. No. What I can’t bear is to see him slowly die. I can’t bear to see the life slowly seep out of him like water drips out of a leaky faucet. He is trying to be positive. He is going to begin his treatment – the horrible Chemotherapy – which is a death sentence in itself. And I don’t find myself capable enough to just stand and watch.

At one point of time, I thought I could stand and watch practically anything without flinching – either inwardly or outwardly. But I can’t seem to do that anymore. I can’t.

I just want to go away to some other place where no one knows me and where I don’t know anyone.

I want to go to some place where no one cares for me, and I care for no one.

As it is, we are born alone and we die alone. Why not live alone.

And for a long time I was living alone.

Now I want to do it again.

Just be alone.

When I came here to the US, I decided not to make any friends – because just like most of my friends back home, I didn’t want to have any more like them over here. All they did was look to me for support – but only a few have remained true. They were there for me when I needed them. But I – the fool – was always there for them. By and large, I have always attracted those sort of people into my life. Not anymore.

Which is why I refrained from friends, and even boyfriends over here. I didn’t want to be the caretaker.

But it seldom is the case that what we wish for is generously given, eh! If not friends, then I have family.

Someone or the other.

Why can’t people just leave me alone?

I am so very tired of dealing with people and the interminable noise that they make. Yes. Noise. That’s just what it all amounts to. What more can they do?

Cackling like ducks, they go about their lives squirming in petty jealousies and paltry egos. I am quite tired of all of their stupidities.

Sometimes, I feel I might just go mad, surrounded by all these harpies.

The monsters are coming again – and I am scared. Where shall I go? Who should I turn to? What will build me the walls again? Everything is crumbling, falling, and the abyss is clear across the road. I fear I must cross and descend once again. The depths are comfortable, deep and dark. The silence is echoing, beckoning, and familiar. I must not stop myself, for that is my destiny. And it calls me, again.

I must not stop. I must not.

It has been a very long time that I haven’t posted about the goings on in my life. I suppose, those of you who have me on your FaceBook might know, or maybe not. More than anything else, this blog is a place for me to rant once in a while, and sometimes I think it is a record of my life’s journey, albeit online.

Nevertheless. I think an update is long overdue. :)

So. Where to begin? Lets see…

Professional Life – yeah, that looks like the safe and nice way to begin, isn’t it? Well, its going good, ifI have to say so myself. They say any business takes a few years to get off the ground. And as such, it is true. It took me about 4-odd years to get my freelance business off the ground back home. And its lifebeen a couple of years since I came here. My real effort in terms of my business started a few months ago, and its been paying off quite well, thank you very much. The graph can only go upwards now, because there’s no downwards in this journey. Slow and steady. But yes, its getting there.

Personal Life – well, this is indeed a hit and miss scenario. (When was it any other way, huh?)

Well, I am trying to figure many things out. Some answers have come through to me via the Universe, and some, well, not yet. Nevertheless, Existence has been kind enough with me. And for that I am grateful.

There was a weird time in the past few months when all and sundry were after my life to get married. Of course, I resisted. I even checked out Shaadi dot com, but I didn’t make an account. The way I see it, me and marriage are not a marriage made in heaven! LOL

Trust me, you had to be there – random strangers advising me to get married! The voice in my head is sometimes so very snarky and makes me laugh so much!

Just had a couple of interesting realizations a few days back. They aren’t easy. In fact, they’ve given me a bit of a depressed feeling. But here it is: I have problems with trust where making new friends is concerned, I have met and lost the one guy who in all probability was my soul mate and therefore have no hope of ever finding another soul mate again, and there are some other things that I can’t have which money can’t buy.

Yeah, I know, normally, I take these things with a smile on my face and live through the day. But today, I am feeling a bit down. Knowing my proclivities, I am damn sure, I will bounce back by the time this weekend’s done.

I know that there is a differing thought process between my head and heart – and my head is pretty much in a happy place, my heart, well, that isn’t. And so it will pass. Just like everything else in life.

Writing – yes – this is a completely different area of my life. Probably an area that supersedes it all. I mean, personal sh*t and professional stuff aside, writing is a totally different area of my life. These writingthings usually don’t have to touch it. Although in the past I have allowed it to. But not so anymore.

Building up all kinds of psychological and psychic defenses for each area of your life, after separating them in the first place takes a lot of effort. It is a lot of hard work. But I find that I have achieved it to some major degree.

Anyhow, I am writing again. Can you believe it? After a lull of over 5 or 6 years, I wrote a new short story a few months ago. And I could glimpse the same overwhelming feeling all over again. It is as if I am afraid to let myself go deep into that space.

I guess being practical for so long has rubbed off on me. So it has to happen that I need to build the protective walls around this area of my life – so that I can then freely let go. It is important that I have to do this. And I think this is a work in progress – something that’ll happen as I write along.

I have also realized something interesting: just like I read more than one book at a time (sometimes I am concurrently reading 3 books at a time), I need to write more than one book at a time. Really nuts! My brain apparently works on only two settings: On Steroids, or On A Break. There seems to be no middle ground or middle way for it. Ah well, I dealt with it and live with it.

So, I’ve started writing: 2 books. One is my fiction book, and one is my Tarot book. I know, both have been long overdue. And professionally, I am editing this manuscript for this writer who has written this brilliant novel. So there you have it – 3 books. And everything falls into place, right?

Reading – And am also reading 2 different book series too. One is the Game of Thrones series, and feed book coverthe other series had the first book called ‘Feed‘. I’ve finished the first book of both the series, and now on the second book for GOT and have downloaded the sample of Feed 2 in my iBooks to start in a bit. Plus, I read this book called ‘Winter Sea‘ in between, which I believe was a very well written book – something that’s quite rare these days. The author has woven the story so well, that the book could serve as a primer for writers like me who struggle with these things sometimes. Only sometimes. The struggle, I mean…  :)

Tech Stuff - Yes, this is a also a very important part of my life. I am exploring Mac OS X Lion which to me is great so far. Love my iPad as well. Am always exploring GTD workflows. And I think I’ve found my groove with these things. And things are progressing fairly well, I think. Time management and discipline are the key – trust me.

TV – oh yes! After spending many years without a TV and having then stumbled upon American Television, I find myself scheduling a few series into my calendar. I use this site called Next-Episode battlestar galacticadot net to add series to my watch list, and then export every month’s calendar into my iCal so I get these reminders. Plus I have the TV Forecast widget on my dashboard, and the TV Forecast iPad app – so I get reminded no matter what I am doing, or where I might be.

Some interesting series I am watching these days include Suits, Necessary Roughness, White Collar and Alphas. Besides, I have also started Netflix and we even bought this new HD TV to go with it (its got a Netflix app and everything) – so I end up watching movies and old TV series on streaming. Its awesome. Among the ones I watched recently, Battlestar Galactica sure caught my eye! I mean, this series has got to be one of the best I’ve seen so far! Trust me. It weaves a good plot line and is full of these amazing characters – it just takes a hold. If ever there was a series that could singlehandedly become a competition to StarGate for me, then BSG is it. I know you all will call me a “Shol’va” (Goa’uld / Jaffa word for Traitor) for this, but hey, a girl likes what a girl likes.

After all, “All of this has happened before, and will happen again,” right?

So, what else is left now? If anything is, just drop me a line. I am in a good sharing mood right about now. LOL.

20110423-023807.jpgMy younger sister, Tanuja has a really cute Labrador called Toby. In May sometime, she is planning to go visit India. She plans to leave Toby with us when she does. So today, as a trial run, they left him with us for the whole day – It will be Sunday afternoon when they’ll come by to pick him up and take him back home.

This way, everyone will know if Toby stays with us. Plus he will get it in his cute, lil Doggy head that he does stay here sometimes.

20110423-023517.jpgNow Toby is a sweetheart and a darling. My sister and I were the ones who’d gone by to the breeder’s place and picked him out from among all the other little puppies out there – and let me tell the fella was so tiny… but if you look at him now, he’s grown up … Makes you feel like a huge adult watching them grow, doesn’t it?

You know, if it weren’t for my mom’s allergies I would probably have had a zoo by now! Alas!

Well, now here’s the thing. I normally don’t have much of an issue with nudity – either on the watching or the doing end of it. Many of my close friends will attest to the fact. Now I must put in a disclaimer here that I don’t make it a habit to move around in my birthday suit, so no need to put up all the cameras … but I don’t have any issues with it either. I am kinda immune to the effects of nude bodies… just not built that way I guess.. It doesn’t make me awkward or anything…

20110423-023933.jpgAnyhow, so I was undressing to go for my shower. But then Toby walks in and stands there looking at me … and then right in the middle of taking off my shirt and tracks, I froze. For a second there, I was like, do I go nude in front of this … this … little child? Seriously, that is exactly what I think of him – he is like a little child… and somehow, I just couldn’t undress.

So off I went to the bathroom for my shower … with my clothes on. Naturally, I disrobed before I took my shower… but then I thought that this was the most weirdest thing ever… It like I want to PG-7 filter the stuff Toby can see!

LOL

Serious weirdness, right?

~

In other news, I was watching Inception the other day, and once again, I was blown over by the amazingly tight script, plot-line and characterization of the movie – this one is for the DVD-BluRay Combo Packs people!

So I leave you with an info graphic or two that I managed to download from the internet somewhere… these are the 2 that I absolutely liked for the way they depicted the whole scenario…

20110423-024058.jpg

20110423-024113.jpg
~

Oh and I am using the WordPress app on my iPad to write this.. and am using a really cute Bluetooth keyboard to write – its my experience that long term typing on this device using the on-screen keyboard is a sure-fire recipe for carpal tunnel or some weird wrist-finger pain disease… LOL
The Bluetooth Keyboard is the best thing I ever invested in – especially in the iPad accessory department… So lets hope this experiment is a success.

And dear, sweet Toby is lying by my feet, sweetly napping away as I write – its his way of waiting till I am done with my stuff, so I can go play with him again – Dogs need so much attention really!

Life with mom sure is funny!

Every Friday (when the Season is on for the show), mom and I religiously make the sacred trek down to the basement to watch Merlin on SyFy.

Right after Merlin, nowadays they’ve started showing a series called Being Human. The series is about a vampire, a werewolf and a ghost living together in an apartment, trying to figure out their lives and their ‘conditions’, all the while trying to make sense of stuff. Admittedly, I haven’t watched much of the series, just a few clips here and there, so I don’t know much about the plot intricacies. That being said, whatever clips we’ve ended up watching, had a bunch of blood and gore in it.

Just before the series starts, we have a blurb that tells us that the ‘content is for mature audiences and that parental discretion is advised’.

Based on my mom’s reactions to such kind of shows, I freely translate the term ‘parental discretion’ to mean: ‘parents are advised not to watch this stuff coz it’s got a bunch of blood and gore which we know you can’t handle watching, but your kid can’….

So I tell my mom this and she agrees, and we burst out laughing….

Whaddya think? Fun, eh!

Walking DeadHave you ever had a weird dream? I guess we all have had them, right? But then did you have a re-run of that same dream? You know, a frame-by-frame re-run – the same scenes and what not. And then the day after, did you see a trailer of that dream-movie in your dream?

Well, I did…

Pride And Prejudice And ZombiesI guess, it didn’t do me much good to watch two back-to-back episodes of the Walking Dead last year and then pick up a copy of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and laugh myself silly through it…. But this was so last year, right? I didn’t get my first dream until December.

I saw this real movie-like-real dream.

In this dream a company is researching some weird virus thing, and sets up a research facility near a very small town. Suddenly, the town is transformed from a small town with one main street into a 5 star hotel toting, Mercedes car populated town teeming with the scientific and HR types that come in from outta town. Business suddenly starts booming for the small coffee shops and donut places. Everyone is happy. At first…

Then things start to turn ominous. The virus suddenly is let loose. And everyone becomes a zombie. (Yeah, right!)

A few people are trying to find a safe haven from this stupid zombie virus. One of them is the girl who works in the HR department of this company, and the other is a guy who used to be one of the security guards on duty in that company. Somehow, both of them (they don’t meet in the entire movie-dream) find out ways to avoid running into zombies and try to look for ways to leave the little town. But the virus keeps following them wherever they go…. only to discover in the end that they are the carriers of the virus and while they won’t ever be infected, they will cause the spread of it.

Resident EvilYucks! Yikes!

Resident Evil, anyone?

And then I get this dream again in January. I disregard it… but last night I saw the dream again – this time in a trailer format – and woke up feeling so very weird.

What is the Universe trying to tell me? Should I be writing a script for a zombie movie? Seriously?

Dream interpretation anyone?

My definition of ‘Friendship’ between a guy and a girl: The ability to say “I love you” without having to explain that the feeling is NOT ROMANTIC at all.

Unfortunately, I haven’t met such a guy ever in my entire life.

Sucks, right?

:(

Posted: February 10, 2011 in Equality of the Sexes, Existence, Friendship, Life, Men, Men make me Mad

They say that no man steps in the same river twice. Under some other circumstances, I would totally agree. A few weeks back, however, I was faced with a situation that completely contradicts that statement.

One of my ex boyfriends landed in the great US of A. And came visiting to New York City. And just before he did, he finally accepted my friend request on FaceBook – one that I had made some two odd years ago. Seriously, the fact is that it is a miracle that he has an e-mail id – which he says he checks once a month! He is truly from another decade – no another era – altogether!

And no, the ex isn’t PK… so there….

In any case, I went to the city and met him. What was there not to meet, right? We’ve been good friends ever since the break-up. Which is the case with almost all of my ex-es… barring one or two (but that’s whole ‘nother story).

I went. We met. And then I realized.

Sometimes you do step into the same river twice. The water is just as murky. And the clarity is less than zero. He is pretty much the same guy as he was so many years ago. Nothing much has changed – maybe he’s got a few more white hair than before… that’s about it.

But hey – here’s the disclaimer: maybe if you asked him, he might just as well say that I haven’t changed over the years too.. so this is just my one-sided, very biased perception, right here, on my blog. Deal with it.

My encounter with him got me thinking… Sometimes after breaking up with a guy and especially after many months / years later, one tends to glorify him. At least I ended up remembering the good times on the rare occasions that I thought of him. Only the good memories would make one sigh and think ‘Another good one gone!’.

Alas! After meeting this person and after having a heart-to-heart talk with him about stuff, I suddenly flashbacked on the bad stuff – the bad things, the negatives from our relationship. I suddenly recalled all the things about him that used to frustrate me. I realized that nothing about that has changed. Where those certain things are concerned, he is still the same bullish idiot that he used to be back then.

And then I began to wonder about what was so great about him anyway?

LOL

When someone is gone, we tend to remember only the good times – but after meeting that person again, we suddenly remember all the bad times too! And then you realize, that you are in fact standing in the same murky waters of the same river, all over again.

However, there is one difference this time.

This time, the water isn’t even soaking your feet. It, magically, isn’t even touching your feet or your clothes or anything like that. That water is just swirling about, avoiding your feet altogether.

Essentially, the memories of old frustrations come back, but those same frustrations aren’t yours any more. You’ve given them up a long time back. Now you are simply angry – at yourself more than anything else.

And yes, I was angry at myself.

So many years have gone by – somehow I am in control of my life now. But back then, so many years ago, I wasn’t. And I am angry with myself for being such a fool.

But then I also realized something – when you say that someone is a certain way and you don’t like it, that means that you have that certain quality in yourself which you don’t like, and you are essentially projecting it on that person.

For example, this ex. His deeply upheld philosophical belief system is one of Pure Escapism. According to him ‘Anything that is emotional and causes pain and frustration can cause complications and is therefore, avoidable. And if it is avoidable, one should avoid it at all costs’.

Wow! How come I never saw it before!

But see, the crux of the matter is this: back when I met him, I was in the throes of my Escapism, my addiction. I was running away from and avoiding life itself. And naturally, those vibes of mine attracted someone who was more of an escapist than I could ever aspire to be. Which is probably why he and I ended up together in the first place – unconsciously we both knew that deep down inside, in the core, we are both the same – Escapists.

Now, I feel kinda sorry for him. Poor thing. I mean, he is just running away from life itself, isn’t it? I mean, if there are no emotions, no pain, no frustrations, no drama, no complications yada-yada-yada, then do we have life? No we just have a dull, boring, blank canvas with no hopes of ever getting a picture on it. And he just keeps on running away from life. Which, in my estimation, makes him a total idiot.

And of course, I told him so. To his face. Made me feel lots better, I must say. :P

The fact is that I am not an Escapist anymore – not unless I am writing a story, that is. I have, in fact, found a very amazing outlet, a channel, for those escapist tendencies. All the imagination has a very interesting ocean towards which it flows.

Essentially, like does attract like. So when I was in the throes of my ‘OMG I think I just discovered Sex’ phase, I met a guy with whom I had the most awesome chemistry ever. And when I was in my Escapist, addiction phase, I met Mr. Escapism Himself. And then when I was in the phase of exploring my own creative and emotional depths, I met PK – one of the most talented people I have ever known.

Simple, yes?

Realization: Sometimes after the old water has already flowed (is this the right word, grammatically speaking?) from under the old bridge, it is interesting to step into the same into the same river again, albeit that might teach you something new after all!

After coming to the US, life hasn’t quite been the same for me. Oh, yeah, you have heard about me complaining in this same tune since a long time! Guess what, you are going to hear it again. But perhaps, the tune this time has changed a bit.

Only a bit.

I must say, that my 6 month break from my freelance work is working out pretty good for me. Within the past 3 months, I have had some really, really good ideas. And no, I am not going to share them ALL with people over here.

Not that it matters. But we writers are a superstitious lot, you know…. :)

Well, for starters, you would do well to check out my  newly made site www.madhavighare.com which, based on some of the comments I have received, is a pretty well made site. Good thing too! I spent a bunch of time figuring it out – and the theme is a Premium theme – which means, I paid for it! LOL

But it was well worth it.

And then there is the thing with my novel – things are moving slower than what I figured. But somehow, it is helping me see beyond many things.

I was just reading this article by Osho – where he was discussing how one should drop memories. When questioned more deeply about this concept, he went on to explain that he was referring to ‘psychological memories’ and not ‘factual memories’.

And what he said made a bunch of sense to me.

I mean, what are events exactly – a bunch of memories that reside within us – eventually, as it is said, it all passes. Something old goes away, to make place for something new.

And so it is in life as well. Events happen. Life goes on.

What remains, or rather, what we choose to retain about it are nothing but a bunch of psychological memories. Memories of the things we felt when those events happened. The hurt, the pain – and yes, even the happiness and the fantastic-ness that we felt.

The good, bad and the ugly of it all is stored within our psyches as memories – specifically psychological memories. And these memories are given the power (by us, btw) to control how we approach the other similar events in our lives.

For example: if as a kid, you drew something from the bottom of your heart and you thought that it was beautiful, and then you showed it to your parent who didn’t even bother to look at it or didn’t like it – that’s it! You don’t even bother to learn anything about drawing any more!

So even if you may have a talent worth nurturing, your psychological memories have now put up a huge barrier between you and your realization of your talent.

OK. That was just an example.

But in my life, it is the psychological memories which have hindered me. And so, right now, I am on a guy-atus!

I realized my pattern and tried to break out of it. All the while knowing fully well that I was causing myself the biggest heartbreak ever.

How do you walk out of a relationship which you know is wrong for you but feels so right?

I don’t know.

I don’t know how I did it, but I have done it.

And I am sitting here, trying to figure my way out of it.

Trying to delete the psychological memories of it.

Making my heart hard. Making myself tough.

Making myself all the more vulnerable.

I heal, I learn, I marvel at the generosity of Existence.

How, at the right time, it puts me in the right place – making sure I am taken care of while I heal myself.

No one has any idea of the gratitude I feel. It is possibly the most immensely powerful feeling I have had in my life. More powerful than the ‘love’ I used to feel.

Perhaps there is hope for me yet.

As I go through these moments of introspection, I begin to feel that there is hope for me. Probably redemption even. I can dream, can’t I?

I have done things in my life which I am not so proud of – I have hurt people too, just as people have hurt me. But the most hurtful thing is that I hurt myself – and I continued to allow myself to hurt myself. I think that is the biggest crime ever.

But then if I cannot forgive myself, what hope is there? And I do believe that there is hope for me yet.

You know, the funniest thing happened the other day. I have made a new friend here, and we were chatting. She asked me if I have any good friends.. any best friends. I told her, that I do. But essentially, I told her, that I believed that I was always all alone.

She found it very odd. But I told her my theory of how we are, in the end, always alone … etc etc. She seemed to buy it. :)

And it wasn’t until a month or so after this conversation that I realized, I hadn’t even thought about D while I said all that. In fact I hardly even think about her these days.

Its like it doesn’t matter.

In fact, when I do end up thinking about her, all I feel is sadness for all the lost time in MY life…

But that doesn’t happen much for me. I am never one for regrets.

Its like, the whole ‘whatever I felt’ thing has finally gone away. Poof!

So just a few days back I was speaking to someone who happens to know all the stuff that went down and he was wondering if I had had any closure with D.

I wanted to laugh. In fact, I think I did. I didn’t have any formal closure. But eventually, I didn’t think that I required it. Life did go on. And so on and so forth… And I told him so.

But the bottom line is that I had a place to vent – this very blog – my release was on this blog.

But I digress.

He wanted to know that if in the future I met D somewhere, would I want to rekindle the friendship.

My answer: No Way.

And no, it is not because of any anger or resentment. It is simply because, I know what she is and I know who she is, and I don’t think I would like to rekindle anything ever.

He found it difficult to understand.

Well, that is his problem, not mine.

I mean, if you know something is bad for you, why would you want to bring it back into your life after you’ve thrown it out? Seriously, its got nothing to do with being compassionate etc etc – its just prudent thinking.

That is my logic of it.

And in a separate incident I was counseling another friend of mine who is trying to cope with a bad break up. I told her, that she should probably cut off all contact with the ex.

And then, of course, I realized that I should take the advice myself. I have not called PK since then.

It is not easy, believe me.. but it is working.

Slowly and surely, I can feel my self resurfacing. Something within me is alive still – and wanting to embrace life.

But another part of me is still like a protective elder brother – making sure my other self doesn’t get hurt all over again.

Which is why, when I do completely resurface, I know for a fact that I will be careful and careless – and still make a few mistakes, but remain balanced and Zen. :) I have complete faith – I know I have what it takes!

This time, the journey within is for healing and dealing – getting rid of some of the most burdensome and annoying psychological memories – so I can get back to life again!

Pray For Me and Wish Me Luck!

Love…

They say it is the one thing that keeps the world going round and round. I agree. It certainly does that.

Doesn’t mean we have to like it, does it?

Falling in love and falling out of love and then falling in love and falling out of love – this ordeal certainly keeps us going round and round in circles!

What is this feeling that I have felt before, and probably will feel yet again? And why do I set myself up for this devastation time and again? Why is it that despite being half dead through these trials by fire, the heart still leaps at the mere possibility that love is a probability in my life?

Surely, it is pure masochistic pleasure that I must be deriving from setting myself up for such tribulations all the time!

But hope is just as eternal as love is – and both these emotions have given me ample cause for pain and suffering. Perhaps The Buddha was right after all. Attachment all these things which are clearly transient is the cause for all kinds of screw-ups in life.

Krishna told us that expectation is the root of all fu*k-ups – and He was right. It certainly is. The expectation that The Other loves us as much as we do, the expectation that The Other will come through for us as he promised he would – essentially an expectation that things will turn out as per plan, and per promise … yes, such an expectation can certainly ruin lives. I know. First hand.

Life gives us so much and subsequently holds the power to take away so much from us. And yet, like fools rushing in after the mirage in the desert, we run after these illusions, only to find, to our utter devastation, that nothing is real – in fact, nothing ever was.

Let me tell you what it has done to me. It has made me jaded and skeptical. I don’t believe the words of love, even when they are spoken to me in all honesty. I do not trust these words. I don’t believe it if someone makes such promises to me. I will only wait and watch and put these words through the inevitable test of time.

I don’t want to let go of myself anymore. I find myself unable to throw myself completely into this love any longer. I see myself holding back and holding off. I realize that I am only delaying the inevitable, but I strive very hard to do so. I am raging a battle which I have already lost. Yet, I fight on.

I know the outcome – the head and the heart rarely, if ever, agree on anything. I listen to them both. I remain unsure of what to do. I wait till Existence solves the problem for me. Or sometimes, I just wear my heart on my sleeve and make a grand fool of myself.

Either way, I am in trouble – for I haven’t listened to the advice given to me. Essentially, I do not trust myself with love.

And yet, hope lingers.

It lingers along, waiting and watching. Like the hidden bloom behind the thorny bush. It waits till it can bloom – it waits for Spring to come, and then it throws out its scent – and I, unsuspectingly, become susceptible to its fragrance and fall under its thrall. I am spellbound, yet again.

Yet again, I set myself up for a fall.

When does this cycle ever stop? When will peace make its way to me?

Maybe I ought to fight it off more harder than before.

Yes, perhaps I shall endeavor to do just that!