My Desktop Dashboard

Quotes on my Desktop via GeekTool

With all the crazy productive stuff going on in my life, it has always been GeekTool to the rescue!

The UNIX Connection

The easy explanation is that the Mac OS is built on the UNIX core. So you can totally use a bunch of Shell Scripts on your Mac, either via Terminal on your mac or via GeekTool.

I will be the first one to admit that I do not know much about all these things. Heck, I am NOT a coder. But then so many people out there, are! And they are sweet and kind enough to put their scripts out on the Internet for people like me to use. To them, I say:

Thank You! You guys and gals rock! Totally!

GeekLet IconA great resource for finding these Geeklets, as they are sweetly called is: The Geeklet Repository on MacOSXTips.

Before You Begin…

GeekTool IconFirst things first, in order to get the basic stuff of GeekTool running, you will:
– Have to be on a Mac (Duh!)
– Then install GeekTool.
– If you want to have your Calendar schedule and Reminder lists up on your screen, then you will also need to install icalBuddy.

Once you’ve done all this, you are ready to begin!
I also suggest, giving this GeekTool tutorial a look-see. It covers the basics, so I don’t have to.

My GeekTool Setup

Yes, I know I kinda looks like all I do is watch TV and throw out the trash, but that isn’t the case! I’ve excluded a bunch of calendars from the list. Those contain my regularly scheduled writing blocks.

Rest assured, I still get all the alarms buzzing on my iMac, iPhone and iPad at all times!

Technology works strives to keep me working! LOL

Now if you want to have your desktop look like mine, here are the scripts for you to implement, and enjoy!

  • Date: Date +%d
  • Day: Date +%a
  • Month: Date +%b
  • Time: Date ‘+%I:%M’
  • AM / PM: Date +%p
  • This Month’s Calendar (with Today’s Date in Red): cal_head=`cal | head -1`; cal_tail=`cal | tail -7`; today=`date "+%e"`; echo "$cal_head"; echo "${cal_tail/${today}/33[1;31m${today}33[0m}”;
  • Next Month’s Calendar: cal $( echo $(date +%m)+1 | bc ) $(date +%Y)
  • Weather: curl --silent "http://xml.weather.yahoo.com/forecastrss?p=your-zip-code-here&u=c" | grep -E '(Current Conditions:|C<br)' |="" sed="" -e="" 's="" current="" conditions:="" '="" <br="" \="">//' -e 's///' -e 's/<\/b>//' -e 's/
    //' -e 's///' -e 's/<\/description>//‘
  • To-Dos and Events: Echo TO DOsEcho/usr/local/bin/icalBuddy -nc -stda -sd -ss '' -b '- ' -nrd -df '%RD : %a, %d %b' -po datetime,title,notes -ps '|\n|\n|' -etp priority,location,url tasksDueBefore:"tomorrow+2”EchoEcho EVENTSEcho/usr/local/bin/icalBuddy -nc -sd -ss '' -b '- ' -ec ‘names-of-calendars-you-want-to-exclude’ -nrd -df '%RD : %a, %d %b' -po title,datetime,location,notes -ps '|\t|\n|\n|' -eep url eventsFrom:"today" to:"today+2”

I hope this is useful.

It certainly is for me.

Special Thanks to Eric for asking me to do this post!

Being Selfish

As a child, I was taught to be un-selfish. I was supposed to share everything I had with my little sister, with my friends and so on.

As I grew up, being selfish was made out to be among the worst things you could be.

But today, I am forced to ask this to myself: what is wrong with being selfish?

I mean, everyone else actually is being selfish all the bloody time. Of course, the hypocrites that they are, they don’t / won’t / can’t just admit it. Neither to themselves, nor to the world.

Frankly, I’ve lost enough faith in people to realize that I can’t expect them to do so either.

Which brings me to another question that I am forced to ask myself: if these people are, in fact, being selfish, how is that wrong – especially if I take the effort of seeing things from their perspective?

The Dilemmas in the Real World

In the real world, we come across a variety of situations where it is relatively easy for us and for other people to be selfish.

People only do things and say things which are right from their point of view. They don’t / can’t / won’t consider the other person’s feelings. They just aren’t even wired that way.

In such situations, would it be right to see things from their perspective? Even when it hurts mine? Do I have to do that?

Do I really have to be all understanding and stuff to put myself in their shoes and try to see things from their point of view? Doesn’t that pretty much go against the whole concept of being selfish to begin with?

I mean, I can’t be selfish and try to see things from their point of view – both – at the same time, can I?

It kinda defeats the whole purpose, doesn’t it?

Solving Tricky Conundrums – C’est La Vie?

I guess, solving such sticky questions is part of life’s little tests, right?

It is one of those trick questions that life puts out. You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. Either way, you are pretty much screwing yourself over, regardless.

I guess, the only solution for these types of situations is to pretend that I didn’t realize it and go about my life, but with a certain level of awareness that these thought processes do exist in that person’s mind.

today I choose meIn all honesty though, it is hard. And it will continue to be hard for me. Because, the kind of person that I am, I simply find it so damn frustrating to be that way myself.

But, I guess if I keep doing it over and over, it may become involuntary, just like breathing, right?

Right?

India Trip Recap

The idea of posting stuff on this blog about the years gone by and about my India trip was awesome.
Predictably, I began writing about it. Long, lengthy rants. But then, suddenly, I realized something.
All of this ranting would practically achieve nothing. Nothing for me, that is. I read through the stuff I’d written and realized that none of those rants held any power – any venom. They were just matter-of-fact statements about all the stuff that happened.
So, with a smile on my face, I quickly discarded those drafts, and here I am doing what I do best – being honest and straight with my information. 😃
So, let’s begin with the India trip recap.

The Good

Here’s the good stuff that happened while on the India trip.

Meeting Friends

I met up with some really good friends of mine, caught up with them face-to-face and had some really great conversations.

Rachel

Rachel was one of the first of my friends to come over and meet me. I was so happy to meet her. She’d gone through a lot over these past few years, and it was real nice to sit down and listen to her talk about it. We went out to Prems and had dinner and had a jolly good time of it!

Pranita

Pranita came over several times, and we ended up having so many wonderful conversations. She truly believes in learning constantly, and has kept herself busy learning a lot of stuff! Gosh! I really admire her for that.
She is an awesome Tarot reader herself, and we did exchange readings for each other. She also had a bunch of interesting insights into a certain issue that I had been grappling with over the past few months, and I really appreciated it! Thanks Pranita!

Radhika

IMG_0621Radhika is an awesomely nice person, in every way that counts. She is also one of my Tarot students. But now, she has become a Past Life Regression Practioner.
Of course, we did a couple of sessions (apart from hanging out at Prems and at her home, of course). Those PLR sessions were truly awesome, and Radhika is a natural at it. Truly!
The insights I gained from these sessions coupled with Pranita’s insights really gave me a whole lot of clarity about my life purpose and goals and hurdles etc.
Thanks a million Radhika! You are truly awesome!

Gulshan

Talking about Gulshan in a few words is simply not enough. She is like a second mother to me. We spent a bunch of time hanging out with each other, having conversations about all sorts of things (spiritual and non spiritual).
IMG_0693We also went to Meherabad together! It turned out to be quite an adventure because on our way there we were beset by a bunch of Shiv Sena people shouting slogans and generally stopping traffic. Sometimes I really wonder if I miss India or not. That moment was a total not. LOL
The experience at Meherabad was awe inspiring too! It is so easy to feel Baba’s presence near the Samadhi. It is as if He talks to you in your mind when you sit there and listen silently.
I can never forget Gulshan’s kind heart and soothing presence. Sometimes, all you need is a hug and a kind word, and all your troubles melt away. Gulshan is probably the most open hearted person I’ve met in my entire life.
Thanks so much for being in my life Gulshan! You are awesome!

Prashant

I used to freelance for Prashant, writing SEO articles and what not. Over time, we became friends. This time round, we hung out a couple of times. He even accompanied Gulshan and I to Meherabad.
We chatted about this and that. Prashant is an expert in SEO things (stuff that even I don’t know much about), and I totally respect all his knowledge and experience. He gave me so many interesting tips and ideas, and I dutifully wrote them all down. And of course, when the time comes, I plan to implement all of them! Thanks Prashant!

Rohi

IMG_0613Rohi is a writer friend of mine. And he is such an awesome person! So calm, so quiet. Intelligent. And a very talented storyteller.
We had some very interesting chats about all sorts of writerly stuff. I totally enjoyed all the time we spent together. And I really appreciate you being my friend Rohi! Thanks for being there for me whenever I reach out, Rohi!

Yogini & Shalini

IMG_0637Back when it wasn’t cool for girls to go see the night show at a movie theatre and back when there weren’t any of the hi-fi movie theatres in Pune city (yes we are that old), Yogini, Shalini and I would go do all these things and have a grand ole time of it!
Meeting my old pals after such a long time felt so nice! Both Yogini and Shalini are now married and have one kid each. So many things have changed in their lives, but they are basically the same people I used to hang out with way back when!
We had such a grand time, reminiscing over old times, and catching up with all the new developments in each others lives!
Totally awesome time Yogini and Shalini! I miss having you girls to just do weird and wild things with!

Sanjyot

IMG_0647Sanjyot is my sister’s friend from college. She used to come over to our place often when she and my sister were studying. We met up after all these years and caught up with each other and gossipped a bit about my sister! LOL
It was fun! Thanks for meeting me Sanjyot!

Anisha

IMG_0728Anisha is also one of my Tarot students. We managed to meet up towards the end of my stay and got on like a house on fire! She is such a charming and sweet person! Her kindness shines through her eyes! And yes, we managed to squeeze in a bunch of exchange readings too, and I must say I was so very impressed! Anisha is truly an awesome Tarot card reader!
Thanks for everything Anisha! You are awesome!

Madhavi

IMG_0669Yes, I have a friend with the same first name as mine! Isn’t that simply awesome! Of course, we have different personalities, but we truly connected. I met her while in the US, and then she moved back to India sometime last year. So we caught up and had a bunch of fun hanging out at the mall and generally having fun!

Ratna Kaku

Ratna kaku is my Tarot student Amruta’s mom. She is such a sweetheart! When she visited me, I was totally in such a bad shape with loosies! And she took such good care of me. She made sure I was all right and even went and got meds for me from a pharmacy.
Later on, I visited her and she fed me the most delicious home cooked meal I had had in my trip! Wow!
Thanks for everything Ratna kaku! You are awesome!

Apurva

Apurva has become an RJ! She had always wanted to do that, and now she has! Kudos! You go girl!
And she’s come through a bunch of stuff in her life as well…
I must say one thing though – Apurva is one heck of a brave, and beautiful person. And to top it all, she is an awesome, awesome Tarot card reader too!
I am so very lucky to have her in my life as a friend. Thanks for meeting me Appu, and am so glad you made it!

Swati

IMG_0629Swati is one brave chick, all right! She’s a tough cookie, and if anyone messes with her, they will so have it!
Swati is studying to become a lawyer, and I pray that she is able to acheive her dreams in life. I truly wish nothing but the best for you Swati!
I really enjoyed spending time with you Swati – although no matter how much time we spend together it only seems too short a period. I am glad to have you on my side!

Chandan

IMG_0737Chandan and I met after a very long time.
And for the longest time, he was harboring a misunderstanding about me. He thought I was angry with him about something that he’d done.
So, we talked about it. And although I do understand the reasons why he did what he did, and although I don’t agree with his method, I just accepted his explanation and things went smooth from that point onwards.
We talked about a lot of things. And Chandan is a great person to hang out with – witty, charming and as he likes to say it a nice guy!! Thanks for being my friend Chandan. Its always great to talk with you.

Prachi

IMG_0683I stayed in Prachi’s place via AirBnB and I was so glad that I did! She is an awesome person, and I am glad to have met her. Not only was she a wonderful host, she was also a great conversation partner. There were many evenings when we sat in the beautiful balcony of her home, swigging down beer and chatting away about this and that… Thanks to her, I also found this real nice salon so I could get a real smashing haircut. Thanks Prachi, for being such a wonderful host, and an even wonderful human being! I wish you all the best for your life!

Finishing Tasks

I ended up completing all of the various tasks assigned to me by my mom.
I got a brand new, awesome looking diamond ring made (there’s an entire blog post about this one), and fixed my other ring which was getting too tight.

Let’s Hang Out…

IMG_0675I visited a bunch of my favorite restaurants, the best being several trips to Prems! 😃

I also visited the newly reconstructed German Bakery.

And of course, I could not give Starbucks a miss! LOL You know, the baristas at the Starbucks in Pune (Koregaon Park) are actually nicer than most of the (very busy) baristas here in the NY / NJ. Isn’t that funny!!

Main Task

On my return journey, I brought my grandmother (mom’s mom) along with me. She will be staying with us from now.
All in all, it was quite a successful trip on those counts.

The Bad

There were 2 bad things that happened to me during this trip.

Getting Ditched

The first one was being ditched by a ‘friend’ of mine who had invited me to stay with him in Mumbai as soon as he had heard that I was coming to India. He had insisted that I plan to stay with him in Mumbai for at least a week to 10 days. And then, he got sent off to some place in the middle east on work. So I changed a few dates of my trip so I could do as he had asked. And then, he failed to tell me that his company had asked him to stay on for a couple of months. Wow! I guess I should be greatful that he at least informed me a couple of days before I was supposed to land at his place. Since my return ticket was already booked there wasn’t nothing more I could do, except for extend my stay at the place I was renting out.
I didn’t appreciate this last minute thing, and I am not even talking about the extra, unplanned expense that suddenly popped into my bank account. I just hope that someday he doesn’t get ditched in this same way.
Of course, he hasn’t apologized to me so far. So yeah. Some people can be real bitches – and it doesn’t matter if they are guys. Bitches be bitches. And I call it like it is.

Meeting the Ex

The second bad thing that happened was when I met my ex. Granted that he is the ex, and that, all those years ago, I chose to walk out of the relationship. But for the past 5-odd years, he had been systematically telling me how much he loved me and missed me and so on.
When you break up because of all sorts of practical reasons, and then when you are trying to get over someone, and then the guy keeps apologizing and telling you that he still cares etc, you tend to think that maybe you took a hasty decision. That’s exactly what happened to me. I began to think that I had while I had made a very practical decision, my emotions weren’t perhaps agreeing with that decision.
And then, boom! A few months before I went to India, he tells me that he’s been seeing this girl (who happens to be a common friend of ours from way back when) since the past couple of months. And the only reason that they were telling me about their relationship was because they didn’t want me to find out from someone else!
Yeah, right!
In the end, though, when I asked him about all those phone calls and so forth, he was like: “yeah of course, I missed you and I love you, but (and get this) not in that way!”
Wow! Just wow!
I guess a part of me was just astounded by how easily he could do that. He was one of the people who contributed in me feeling that I couldn’t trust the words people spoke. And now, more than ever, he was convincing me that his words weren’t trustworthy on any level.
I was also upset about another thing. I discovered it after a whole lot of self reflection. And I am being upfront and straight up honest here: I was upset that he’d moved on before me.
In either case, he tried to put me on a guilt trip, when he inadvertently brought up some really gritty parts of our relationship which had moved me to become all practical and all, all those years ago. I really didn’t appreciate it when he tried to absolve himself of all the guilt, and tell me that if I even tried to make him feel guilty he would start drinking again. Wow!
An alcoholic will come up with n number of reasons to drink. I just didn’t think that he would come up with such an hurtful one.
Either way, I saw through it and decided that it just wasn’t worth my time and trouble to even discuss it with him. Let him do whatever he wants to do with his addiction. The most refreshing aspect of this conversation was that I realized that it just wasn’t my problem any more!!

The Heat! OMG The Heat

One thing that I really didn’t like during my trip was the heat! Of course, since I had landed there in the month of May, I don’t think I have much right to complain, but boy was the heat bad!

I was sweating buckets every single time I stepped out of the shower, and even stepped out of the house for all the different tasks that were on my To-Do List! The heat was so bad! 

The whole time, I actually missed the cooler weather of the US. LOL

The Ugly

And yes, finally, I come to D. I’ve ranted about her on this blog before. So I am not going to give her any more footage. But since all sorts of memories came back to me, I did manage to piece together some nuggets of the ugly truth about her.
I realized that she had been lying to me about certain aspects of her life from the very first day since we became ‘friends’. After going through the predictable reactions of surprise and anger, I came to one ugly (and sad) conclusion: this is one woman who has the capacity to lie, consistently and constantly, for about 10 – 15 years, to someone who thought of her as a best friend.
I shudder to think of what other nefarious capabilities this woman may posess. It is deeply disturbing. Some may even think this is a pathological trait.
Another thing I realized is that I am a total fool! I take people on their face value and never think that they may be anything but genuine with me. I guess that it is my fault for being so naïve and blinded to the reality.
In short, while going back to India did have its nasty flashback moments, thankfully, they passed as quick as they came.
One thing is for certain though – I’m glad she’s not my problem any more!!

Phew!

Finally, the quick recap is done (at some 2500-odd words), and I am so relieved!
All in all, the takeaway for me over here is that time passes, and people move on. But friends, true friends, live on and love each other no matter what. Regardless of any of the external factors, we come to know who our true friends are only when we see them go through things in their lives, and when they are (or aren’t) around when we go through things in our lives. Only time and experience, coupled with the rocks of Existence do we understand the real meaning of our lives, and the real value of the people in our lives.

Getting Back to Life

Its been a very long hiatus from this blog for me. For a long, long time, I felt as if there really wasn’t much to write. Not here, anyway.

On the Computer

I used to write – all sorts of stuff. But in my computer’s diary app. (First I used MacJournal, and then I began using EverNote). But then, I realized that writing on my blog was so much more freeing!

Searching for Apps

Then, of course, I searched around for a nice app that would make it easier for me to do that. Since the apps I found weren’t all that useful, I kinda just gave up.
Now I think, I’ve found a solution that just might do the trick. You may want to check out Byword and see if it works for you.
I am beginning to see how this can easily become a wonderful integration into my workflow.

To Write Again…

To write on this blog again, would mean exposing all my thoughts and feelings for the world to see. The way I figured it though, I don’t think many people are actually reading this blog anyways. So what the heck!
And if someone is actually reading it, then go ahead! I’ve stopped wanting to feel bothered by it anymore.
Writing means letting go of all the fears that hold you back. You have to let go of all the things that make you feel exposed, vulnerable and open to ridicule. Because no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, and no matter what you tell people, they will make you feel exposed, vulnerable and ridicule you… So I might as well get my thoughts out there, while I’m at it.

Many Changes…

There have been so many changes in my life these past 5+ years since I moved here. I recently even went back to India for a month.
Suddenly, I felt as if I had walked right back into a very badly scripted melodrama. LOL
Why is it that every time I let people into my world, I feel this way? I feel as if I am standing right in the middle and all this (really weird, and really badly written) soap opera is being played out all around me. I am often too detached, but I do get caught up in the various things that go on.
It can be very tiring, let me tell you. Watching people making complete idiots of themselves, watching me make a fool of myself, watching people getting caught up in events of their lives, watching me getting caught up with life events – all of it makes for a very melodramtic, soap opera-type of a scene.

But Yeah…

Regardless, I want to write here about all the things I do think about and feel.
Right now, all this is all I feel like typing out. So let me get back to my work, so I can write some more tomorrow. Or whenever.

The Hero(ine)’s Journey: Coincidences Much?

There comes a point of time in everyone’s life – everything comes to a point of crisis, and all your long-held beliefs shatter, all the foundations and structures break down, and everything you know about your life ceases to exist.

It is at precisely this point in your life, that you realize that all you thought about – about your self, about your life and everything else in it – everything is not what it seems to be.

That’s when your life changes. You have a blank slate in front of you – and a ray of light – clarity emerges. You then begin a journey of discovery. You find out who and what you really are, and of course, discover what it is you want to be / do in life. You find your path, your calling. And of course, when you decide to pursue that path, life opens all its doors for you.

A new adventure begins – a new journey of self discovery, self examination, and more importantly, self awareness.

I do believe that I went through such a process in my late 20s, which led to me discovering what I wanted to do in my life. And I began to do it.

The macro journey has more or less continued till date, surviving my transition from India to the USA. Great!

To be honest, I am pretty much doing a ‘repeat the story’ thing here, and all that is fine. The challenges are different, new, and exciting. But, honestly, it is more of the same thing – you know, kind of like eating ice cream, just another flavor of it. It can be nice, but you cant simply keep changing the flavors all the bloody time – even that can get repetitive.

So, here I was, sitting and wondering, what, if at all would be the next level of this particular journey – kind of like how it is in video games – you win one level, and then you have pretty much the same story repeating in the next level of the game, but maybe different adventures, different territories, different villains, and most especially different goals.

And of course, the challenge level is also a bit more.

Plus, it has just come to my notice that my Saturn Return period (Sade-sati in Marathi / Hindi) is on the verge of ending. This is a very important milestone. Most people dread the Saturn Return – they say it is a period of harsh lessons and troubled transitions. Sure, it was one for me too – although for me, it may have lasted for a bit more than the 7.5 years – but I digress. Transitions are good – this means, I get to advance to the next level of the game.

So, what will be the next level for me? Honestly, I still don’t know for sure – but based on past experiences, I do believe that the picture will soon emerge and clarity will once more shine through.

When these sort of things happen, you begin to notice a series of coincidences in your life – this truly happens when you are on the right path. And since these coincidences have begun, I am getting the feeling that the adventure – albeit a new adventure – is very much about to begin for me.

That being said, let me share the beginning of the story with you – coz that’s how far along I have come! :)

Joseph Campbell

Joseph Campbell

It all began, of course, with me wondering what was next. And then I got this pro-bono website assignment. Which led to a small paid assignment. And on the phone with this client, we got to talking about myths – one of my favorite topics. And he mentioned Joseph Campbell, and his book titled ‘The Power of Myth‘.

Now, I was truly taken by surprise!!

There is this truly amazing course I want to do, and it is an M.A.+PhD in Mythological Studies. Yeah right, truly – and the University that offers this course has this huge library that has some connection with Joseph Campbell. So I knew of this name. I just didn’t know more about this guy. Not one to ignore these coincidences, I decided to see where it took me.

Anyhow, I looked up the ‘Power of Myth’ on iBooks, and there it was. So I downloaded the sample, and began reading. Impressed, I bought the book and continued reading.

That led to me searching for more on Amazon and Netflix – and sure enough, You Tube. And I discover a huge treasure trove of info on the guy.

He was a Mythologist – and he said a couple of things which I have been saying for the longest time – only he proved it and wrote a bunch of books about it too!

One thing he says is: All myths have the same common themes, only they change with geographic location to add / subtract stuff here and there to suit it.

Another thing he says is: Follow your bliss, and doors will open for you.

OMG!

I watched his videos on You Tube and was mesmerized with his storytelling abilities. He made myths look so much fun!

The Hero With A Thousand Faces

The Hero With A Thousand Faces

And so, I checked out a few of his documentaries on Netflix, and am now reading ‘The Hero With A Thousand Faces‘, have a couple of more docus lined up in my Netflix queue, and so forth.

And also, guess what, a clearer picture of the themes of my life, and of the next level of the journey is beginning to emerge. I don’t quite know what the right words are for it – sometimes words are hard to come by with the blinding light of sense – but I kinda know where I am headed now.

So yeah – I want to extend my sincere gratitude to the Universe, for sending the right clues my way, and giving me the sense to know that they were clues and so forth. I honor and respect it, and I promise to pursue it to the conclusion – till this level ends, and another begins after that.

I mean, isn’t that what life is all about, after all, a journey towards understanding, realizations, sense and knowledge?

Meanwhile, I leave you with a few interesting videos so that you understand what I mean…. Enjoy!

A Playlist of Interesting Videos relating to Joseph Campbell on You Tube.

So Tired…

Be warned: this is a total and complete rant. So yeah, if you don’t like this sort of thing, then just stay away.

I am tired – bone weary and soul weary tired. Tired of everything. It is so very cold where I am – not just outside, where Fall has yet to set in, and the cool winds have begun blowing, but it is so very cold inside of me as well.

I find myself stuck in a place where I don’t want to be in anymore. I am sick of sickness. Yes. That’s what it is, perhaps. All of this sickness around me is making me sick. Sickness in body, sickness in mind, and sickness in soul – all of this is making me sick, inside and outside.

Sometimes I feel like escaping – I so miss my druggie days – when lost in the cloud of the marijuana smoke I could just forget. Forget about the pain, the loss, the suffering… forget everything, and just be happy.

People say, that one ought not to be selfish. But what am I to do… I never learnt the art of being compromising. All I ever do is nurture, nourish and take care – of others. Never of myself.

And right now, just right now, all I want to do is take care of myself.

You see, my father is dying. He has lung cancer. Makes me want to and smoke, but I control it. But I give in then, when the urge is unbearable. I don’t know or think or want to quit. If one day, death is to come for me, then I say, “Let Him Come!” and let it be quick.

Just one year after I came here, mom went through a life and death heart surgery. Cut to one and half years later, my dad gets Cancer. And I can’t bear to be around him.

No, its not because he was miserable to me while I was growing up. Not at all. I detached from that a long time ago. No. What I can’t bear is to see him slowly die. I can’t bear to see the life slowly seep out of him like water drips out of a leaky faucet. He is trying to be positive. He is going to begin his treatment – the horrible Chemotherapy – which is a death sentence in itself. And I don’t find myself capable enough to just stand and watch.

At one point of time, I thought I could stand and watch practically anything without flinching – either inwardly or outwardly. But I can’t seem to do that anymore. I can’t.

I just want to go away to some other place where no one knows me and where I don’t know anyone.

I want to go to some place where no one cares for me, and I care for no one.

As it is, we are born alone and we die alone. Why not live alone.

And for a long time I was living alone.

Now I want to do it again.

Just be alone.

When I came here to the US, I decided not to make any friends – because just like most of my friends back home, I didn’t want to have any more like them over here. All they did was look to me for support – but only a few have remained true. They were there for me when I needed them. But I – the fool – was always there for them. By and large, I have always attracted those sort of people into my life. Not anymore.

Which is why I refrained from friends, and even boyfriends over here. I didn’t want to be the caretaker.

But it seldom is the case that what we wish for is generously given, eh! If not friends, then I have family.

Someone or the other.

Why can’t people just leave me alone?

I am so very tired of dealing with people and the interminable noise that they make. Yes. Noise. That’s just what it all amounts to. What more can they do?

Cackling like ducks, they go about their lives squirming in petty jealousies and paltry egos. I am quite tired of all of their stupidities.

Sometimes, I feel I might just go mad, surrounded by all these harpies.

The monsters are coming again – and I am scared. Where shall I go? Who should I turn to? What will build me the walls again? Everything is crumbling, falling, and the abyss is clear across the road. I fear I must cross and descend once again. The depths are comfortable, deep and dark. The silence is echoing, beckoning, and familiar. I must not stop myself, for that is my destiny. And it calls me, again.

I must not stop. I must not.