It has been quite an interesting 2015 for me, given that all sorts of ups and downs happened, and I managed not just to survive through it, but to thrive through it!
I began my last year just like any other new year — bleary eyed, and somewhat irritated that I had to fake some sort of enthusiasm for an event that inevitably arrives once every year, without fail. Yeah, I am that kind of party animal now. Go figure.
Anyhow. Let’s see how things happened during this year, shall we? Of course, like every good story, we are going to not start at the beginning and we are also going to flashback. Just setting expectations here… Ready?
Lets start with some important stuff first…
March was the month when I said the final goodbye to a person that had become super dear to me over the past few years. Death is the end. That is the place where memories are supposed to truly begin. And we remember her often. Always with a smile. Because that’s how we remember her.
Meanwhile, life pretty much crawled on its own till one weird little evening in April when I discovered something while scrolling through the timelines of one of those unvisited FaceBook profiles. You know, the ones you have on your friends’ list, but don’t always need or want to know about. Yeah, those… So anyway, what I saw shocked me right out of my chair. And that shock reverberated in its own ways — at first it was mostly the surprise, then I was a bit pissed off for not being informed, then I got a little more pissed that other people hadn’t thought of even dropping a small line… Ah, well… I’ve since concluded that most people live more in fear than in courage. I am better off cutting ties with them.
The end of this whole episode was happy though : I was super glad that this event took place and it was like a burden was lifted off my heart. I was glad of it. It was an actual relief. I cannot even begin to describe how easily I was able to walk away from a relationship that I had made myself feel so guilty about for a very a long time.
Relationships shouldn’t be about how much guilt you can throw on the other person. Period.
And then life went on, till this particular August morning, when I lost my temper with someone that I loved so very much. It was in that one moment that I realized that love could break your heart, and that sometimes it was healthy and absolutely ok just to walk away from such a toxic connection, no matter how close the blood ties are.
It is so much relieving to just let it go — let go of the expectation of understanding, and also the feeling that one ‘must‘ love the other person simply because there is this blood tie. Once a certain sort of thread breaks, it can never be joined again. Not even with a knot.
Knotty family problems are my speciality. And this one ranked up there with the top 5 I think.
Anyway, I had the best cry in ages. So that was one super good thing to come out of that. [For those who don’t know, I suffer from Dry Eye Syndrome because I stare at all sorts of screens all day long (computer, TV, iPhone, iPad, you get the drift right?) and I don’t blink as much as I am supposed to. As a result, I don’t get tears in my eyes because there aren’t any tears forming in my tear glands. So it takes a massive amount of emotional upheaval for those babies to actually start producing those precious, precious tears.]
Those of you who cry all the time have no idea what an absolute release it can be — crying all those tears + screaming your heart out + punching the pillows. I highly reccommend it. Find a quiet place, and jus’ frickin’ let go!
But this wasn’t the only thing in August though… Thank the Gods!
August was also the month when I pressed the ‘Publish‘ button on my Tarot Book. If you are into that sort of thing, do check it out here.
This is a book that teaches you how to do a Tarot card reading using Storytelling Techniques. So it is a book for people who already know how to read the cards, but find it hard to connect the cards in a spread and make a continuous cohesive story that makes sense.
I’ve unknowingly used this process for a very long time, and all of my students seem to be intimidated by my reading style. That’s why I figured I might as well show the world that it wasn’t that hard to tell a story with the cards during a reading and so on.
Surprisingly, the book has recieved an interesting traction of its own — both in my life and in my professional life as well. Its actually selling well. People are buying it — not in droves (yet!), but they actually are buying my book! I’ve sold at least 30+ paid copies of my eBook within the past 5 months. Frankly, because the book was geared for a very specific segment in a very niche audience, I wasn’t expecting to sell even those many! Any number bigger than 1 is a bonus from the Universe! Meanwhile, I have also started posting a ‘Daily Card Reading‘ on Instagram (and FaceBook, Twitter, and Google Plus) every day.
In 2016, I’m planning to put this book on Amazon and go for a paperback version of it — many potential buyers have requested it. And I can understand. Not many of us are as nerdy as I am. Not everyone is thrilled with eBooks. I’m super excited for this!
As the adventure of this new year wound down, I still had an exciting climax to deal with. And that was full of discovery!
For that, (ahem) let’s flashback a bit…
Sometime during the months of February and March, I was called to start meditating with certain cards, and engage in an interesting enterprise called ‘Shadow Work‘. For those of you wondering what a Shadow is, especially in terms of Psychology (and of course, the Tarot), can go check my article about The Shadow.
I had truly expected my Shadow to be someone scary — seeing as to how the Shadow is supposed to be my repressed self. However, imagine my surprise when she turned out to be this straight-talking adventurous lady with a no-nonsense attitude. We had a bunch of adventures, and talked about all sorts of things, and worked through all sorts of stuff.
I’m not sure if I want to divulge this level of personal information out here because a lot of it is about my inner world and stuff, but suffice to say that Shadow Work is something I am amazed to have discovered and explored. Of course, there’s still a lot more to explore, and I totally look forward to the next installment of the adventures in 2016.
I never realized how much certain sort of changes had started to seep into my consciousness after these exercises. It wasn’t until mom mentioned how I had started to laugh more, and seemed happier, and was actually interested in, you know, life. Well, you can probably put the rest of my story in perspective now that you’ve read this bit, right?
I’ve basically learned how to let shit go. And it ain’t easy. But I’ve figured out my process. And if you want to figure out your process, then you’d better start some inner work stat. Because everyone has their own way, apparently. That’s pretty much how these things work.
And yes, somewhere in there, I also managed to quit smoking — for good. I totally used the Nicotine Gum (the First Step all the way) for at least 3 to 4 months, and then switched to the Nicotine Patch (again, First Step) for about a month and half. Now I chew regular mint gum ocassionally, but I am totally off cigarettes! And yes, this one has stood the temptation test — many times! I’ve hung around friends who’ve smoked around me, and I’ve been all right. The smell of the smoke noticably gets (and stays) in my nose if they have more than 3 cigarettes in a go, but otherwise, I am ok! I now know how clothes smell of smoke. LOL
Every single time, when I stood there, right next to my friends as they smoked, I observed myself — I waited for even that slight twinge of temptation, a tremor, a tremble, a sneaking slithering of need creeping up… But none of that happened. Nope. Nada. Nyet. I was so fricking calm, it was weird. But good weird.
As this exciting journey of 2015 started to wind up, I discovered colors! LOL
Normally, I am a black-and-white, kinda Type-A sort of a girl. Rational. Logical. Organized. Clear. Level headed. You get the drift. I have this habit where I always deal in absolutes about stuff — if it isn’t a yes, then it is a no — that sort of thing.
A big part of me is still like that. What’s changed is that I’ve discovered, and acknowledged that there are all of these colors between white and black! I mean, come on! This is so much fun! I have given myself over to my creative + intuitive urges like I’ve never done before.
This time, when it was time for my annual NaNoWriMo, I went into it wanting to rewrite this awesomely fun story of mine that’s been evolving and writing itself inside of my head for close to a decade now. I sort of knew the bare-bones skeleton of the plot, so I was super stoked to see what I would actually write this time round.
I had totally made up my mind: I wasn’t going to oscillate between plotting and pantsing (coz I had done a lot of that last year, and now I was super comfortable with pantsing) and I was going to focus on writing the story really better. I was pumped. I was optimisitc. I was chomping at the bit. How hard could it be? Right? Ha Ha Ha. Wrong!
I was so totally, royally caught in the middle of this ridiculous hurricane of plot things and story things that I really had no idea if I was coming or going. If you were following me on Instagram during November, then you probably witnessed this chaos in real time. I did eventually figure it out though, but the journey was such a grand adventure!
I re-discovered my inner storyteller — and she’s da bomb! I made my 50K word count (of course!) and now have a worthy new first draft. I realized that I had more talent than I give myself credit for. La. Well.
Finally, with the year actually winding down, it was time to figure out the endings and beginnings. Over the past couple of years I have been Desire Mapping [affiliate link] my way to some sort of sanity. This year was my third time. I went deep into the thick, juicy core of the ‘What will I do to feel the way I want to feel‘ things. I even pulled out my Night Sun Tarot Card Deck, and Journaled my way through some serious, deep, deep questions.
Why did I choose that deck? It certainly isn’t the sort of Tarot Card Deck that I tend to go for. So what made me go for it? It was because something about that deck’s imagery and style made me uncomfortable. As I held the cards in my hands, I realized that the more fidgety I got with those images, the more I wanted to delve into them. I wanted to get comfortable with that slightly queasy feeling, and not even try to fix it. I simply wanted to acknowledge it, relish it, and let it shudder its way all through my inner world.
Sweet Mother of All Things Holy! It was love at first sight in a way that I’ve never experienced before! I was so totally hooked! Sparks flew. Danielle already had my heart. And now Leonie had it too! I quickly ordered the workbooks and jumped up and down in my seat in anticipation till the mailman dropped off the parcels on my porch.
Isn’t it natural and fun how things start moving into place once you get walking on the path you are meant to be walking on!
I have never really given in to my creative urges so freely before. I went nuts. Colors were everywhere! Laughter bubbled up from my heart! Wisdom poured out of my mind! While Danielle appealed to my very organized, sane (?), orderly mind, Leonie appealed to my heart-sticker loving, rainbow colored Sharpie-weilding, colorful playful heart. And together, they played so well together!
Before, I used to struggle with the push-pull between my opposite sides. Now, I love having all those lovely opposites playing with each other, experimenting, experiencing, enriching, and engaging.
Falling in Sweet, Adoring Love with Myself!
I’ve created a very special, sacred space for myself in my heart that is absolutely off limits to anyone and everyone. It is a space that has never been inhabited before, and I am totally decorating it the way I like it.
No one has ever managed to come into this sweet space inside of my heart ever! So it is truly just mine alone. Untainted by anyone else’s presence. Special. Wonderful. Brilliant. Beautiful. Colorful. Enchanting. Entrancing. Rapturous. Exquisite. Enlightening.
On The Threshold of The New Year
I’ve let go of a shitload of crazy burden things this year! I feel so totally light in my heart and soul! It feels so very right and so perfect!
Now as I sit here, on the threshold of the new year, writing these thoughts, I am so very full with anticipation.
All sorts of plans are running around my mind and rattling the windows. I’ve got things I’m working on (obviously) and things I need to figure out. I also know that eventually I will — figure it out, that is.
Look out 2016! Here I come!