Old Water Under The Same Bridge

They say that no man steps in the same river twice. Under some other circumstances, I would totally agree. A few weeks back, however, I was faced with a situation that completely contradicts that statement.

One of my ex boyfriends landed in the great US of A. And came visiting to New York City. And just before he did, he finally accepted my friend request on FaceBook – one that I had made some two odd years ago. Seriously, the fact is that it is a miracle that he has an e-mail id – which he says he checks once a month! He is truly from another decade – no another era – altogether!

And no, the ex isn’t PK… so there….

In any case, I went to the city and met him. What was there not to meet, right? We’ve been good friends ever since the break-up. Which is the case with almost all of my ex-es… barring one or two (but that’s whole ‘nother story).

I went. We met. And then I realized.

Sometimes you do step into the same river twice. The water is just as murky. And the clarity is less than zero. He is pretty much the same guy as he was so many years ago. Nothing much has changed – maybe he’s got a few more white hair than before… that’s about it.

But hey – here’s the disclaimer: maybe if you asked him, he might just as well say that I haven’t changed over the years too.. so this is just my one-sided, very biased perception, right here, on my blog. Deal with it.

My encounter with him got me thinking… Sometimes after breaking up with a guy and especially after many months / years later, one tends to glorify him. At least I ended up remembering the good times on the rare occasions that I thought of him. Only the good memories would make one sigh and think ‘Another good one gone!’.

Alas! After meeting this person and after having a heart-to-heart talk with him about stuff, I suddenly flashbacked on the bad stuff – the bad things, the negatives from our relationship. I suddenly recalled all the things about him that used to frustrate me. I realized that nothing about that has changed. Where those certain things are concerned, he is still the same bullish idiot that he used to be back then.

And then I began to wonder about what was so great about him anyway?


When someone is gone, we tend to remember only the good times – but after meeting that person again, we suddenly remember all the bad times too! And then you realize, that you are in fact standing in the same murky waters of the same river, all over again.

However, there is one difference this time.

This time, the water isn’t even soaking your feet. It, magically, isn’t even touching your feet or your clothes or anything like that. That water is just swirling about, avoiding your feet altogether.

Essentially, the memories of old frustrations come back, but those same frustrations aren’t yours any more. You’ve given them up a long time back. Now you are simply angry – at yourself more than anything else.

And yes, I was angry at myself.

So many years have gone by – somehow I am in control of my life now. But back then, so many years ago, I wasn’t. And I am angry with myself for being such a fool.

But then I also realized something – when you say that someone is a certain way and you don’t like it, that means that you have that certain quality in yourself which you don’t like, and you are essentially projecting it on that person.

For example, this ex. His deeply upheld philosophical belief system is one of Pure Escapism. According to him ‘Anything that is emotional and causes pain and frustration can cause complications and is therefore, avoidable. And if it is avoidable, one should avoid it at all costs’.

Wow! How come I never saw it before!

But see, the crux of the matter is this: back when I met him, I was in the throes of my Escapism, my addiction. I was running away from and avoiding life itself. And naturally, those vibes of mine attracted someone who was more of an escapist than I could ever aspire to be. Which is probably why he and I ended up together in the first place – unconsciously we both knew that deep down inside, in the core, we are both the same – Escapists.

Now, I feel kinda sorry for him. Poor thing. I mean, he is just running away from life itself, isn’t it? I mean, if there are no emotions, no pain, no frustrations, no drama, no complications yada-yada-yada, then do we have life? No we just have a dull, boring, blank canvas with no hopes of ever getting a picture on it. And he just keeps on running away from life. Which, in my estimation, makes him a total idiot.

And of course, I told him so. To his face. Made me feel lots better, I must say. 😛

The fact is that I am not an Escapist anymore – not unless I am writing a story, that is. I have, in fact, found a very amazing outlet, a channel, for those escapist tendencies. All the imagination has a very interesting ocean towards which it flows.

Essentially, like does attract like. So when I was in the throes of my ‘OMG I think I just discovered Sex’ phase, I met a guy with whom I had the most awesome chemistry ever. And when I was in my Escapist, addiction phase, I met Mr. Escapism Himself. And then when I was in the phase of exploring my own creative and emotional depths, I met PK – one of the most talented people I have ever known.

Simple, yes?

Realization: Sometimes after the old water has already flowed (is this the right word, grammatically speaking?) from under the old bridge, it is interesting to step into the same into the same river again, albeit that might teach you something new after all!

Everything Official About It!!

First off, apologies for the break in blog posts…to be honest, I haven’t been that busy, but am certainly guilty of being lazy!!

Well… it has been over 2 months now that I have come to the USA. And it has been over a few weeks now that I am a proud (??) owner of the renowned Green Card, and eventually the recipient of the Social Security Number.

So that is it – it is official now – I am officially a part of the United States of America. And for all intents and purposes I will be so for many years to come.

In the past few weeks, I have been going through the initial phases of the transformation – it takes a while to get used to the weather here (especially if your first visit to USA is during a snowfall) – and all said and done, the process has not been easy because I am pretty adamant and so uneasy with adapting to change.

However, over a period of time, I have tried hard to overcome my mental blocks about America and try to assimilate what I do see about the country. So far, I have seen some aspects of the country which I do like, and some which are not so different from India and some which are so typically American….

I have also been able to overcome my being overwhelmed by it all – and have been able to become somewhat independent here…although, it is not that 100% since I don’t drive or have a driver’s license or own a car… but hopefully that will change in a month or so….Meanwhile, I have been able to figure out the public transport  system here (so far, buses and subways) and get by with it. Amazingly, the public transit system does follow the timetable to a large extent and Google Maps can show how one can get from one place to the other via bus – it is quite interesting.

You guys cannot even imagine how much I have walked ever since I have come here …. for a person who chose to take a rickshaw to go from her flat to Prems (which is like 2 blocks) – I have walked distances which are more than twice that much and more in NYC.

So, now I can catch the bus and take the subway to go to different parts of ‘the city’ (that means the New York City) and for some reason, I don’t find the city to be that intimidating at all… I mean, I know of Americans who do find NYC scary and what not – but somehow, not me… Plus, there is so much to explore in the city – and once you get the hang of its layout, it is a breeze….see, NYC is like a grid – there are streets (which are numbered or named) and these are cut across by avenues (which are also numbered or named)…and then any address is simple to find…yes well… again, it isn’t as simple as it sounds but that is the basic thing of it anyways!!

And I have finally gotten back to smoking – Oh Yessiree!! Camel Regulars are wayyy better than Marlboro regulars!! And needless to say, I find it quite funny that one generally finds cigarette packs in the pharmacy here!! Since my mum has asthma, I usually end up going out to the porch and sitting on the stairs to smoke…and funnily enough, the number of ciggys I smoke has come down to 3 – 5 per day instead of the earlier 35 – 40 per day!! Probably because I did not smoke a single cigarette in the past month and a half!

And I will not apologize for the reason I took up smoking again – for some reason, my brain just refused to function without the smokes!! And I had an assignment which I had to complete – for which I simply couldn’t find inspiration…can you believe it? Without a cigarette, I cannot find the first line – the very important first line – because when I get the first line, the next few pages (and the next hour or so) just passes by like a breeze! More about that phenomenon would be appropriate on my writing blog, methinks!

I have also discovered interesting food here – toaster waffles, heat and eat pasta dishes, quesadillas, spaghetti pumpkins, burritos, and of course, an interesting Indian restaurant called ‘Sarvana Bhavan’ on 26th and Lexington (in NYC) which serves good South Indian food… actually most of 26rh is covered with Indian restaurants and gets pretty crowded over the weekends with all the Desis in and around NYC.

The weather here also doesn’t leave much to the imagination – however, the wise people look at the weather channel on TV or weather website and ‘Know Before You Go’! Well…I landed here when the snow was falling and the entire thing looked nice for like 10 minutes, and then all I could do was look at the bleak landscape of the snow covered lawns and barren trees and NOT get depressed!! And then it was the advent of Spring – which so far has been characterized by cloudy and windy weather with slight showers and rains… And then once in a while, the sun comes out – to shine and glow – reminding me of winters in Pune…. Well they say that Spring hasn’t funny sprung yet and Summer will be better….Am truly hoping for the best!

I may even decide to get into a short course or something in a nearby college / university – to (a) get an idea of how the teaching-learning process happens over here, and (b) make some friends  and (c) give me a reason to get out and about….believe me, over here, I am not finding it so easy to be sitting at home all day – I need to go out and stretch my legs everyday and so I have taken to going for a short walk ever so often in the park near my home….

In short, I have decided to give this country a shot – after all, it doesn’t hurt to do so…I have decided that I will decide after some years (between 3 and 5) if I want to remain here or go back to India – how about that !!???!!

Sounds like a plan, doesn’t it?

Visit to New York

So, I finally visited New York City on the 21st of February, 2009.

Being quite a lazy bum, I actually took the effort to make this video out of the photos I took with my cell phone during my visit, so that I would not have to write much about it.

Those of you who cannot see the video, see it here on You Tube!

The Picasa album of the pics I took with the cell phone is also embedded below…this one has no music…and no captions either….

And for the others, the video is embedded below just for you!!

Hope y’all enjoy the trip as much as I did!!