They say that no man steps in the same river twice. Under some other circumstances, I would totally agree. A few weeks back, however, I was faced with a situation that completely contradicts that statement.
One of my ex boyfriends landed in the great US of A. And came visiting to New York City. And just before he did, he finally accepted my friend request on FaceBook – one that I had made some two odd years ago. Seriously, the fact is that it is a miracle that he has an e-mail id – which he says he checks once a month! He is truly from another decade – no another era – altogether!
And no, the ex isn’t PK… so there….
In any case, I went to the city and met him. What was there not to meet, right? We’ve been good friends ever since the break-up. Which is the case with almost all of my ex-es… barring one or two (but that’s whole ‘nother story).
I went. We met. And then I realized.
Sometimes you do step into the same river twice. The water is just as murky. And the clarity is less than zero. He is pretty much the same guy as he was so many years ago. Nothing much has changed – maybe he’s got a few more white hair than before… that’s about it.
But hey – here’s the disclaimer: maybe if you asked him, he might just as well say that I haven’t changed over the years too.. so this is just my one-sided, very biased perception, right here, on my blog. Deal with it.
My encounter with him got me thinking… Sometimes after breaking up with a guy and especially after many months / years later, one tends to glorify him. At least I ended up remembering the good times on the rare occasions that I thought of him. Only the good memories would make one sigh and think ‘Another good one gone!’.
Alas! After meeting this person and after having a heart-to-heart talk with him about stuff, I suddenly flashbacked on the bad stuff – the bad things, the negatives from our relationship. I suddenly recalled all the things about him that used to frustrate me. I realized that nothing about that has changed. Where those certain things are concerned, he is still the same bullish idiot that he used to be back then.
And then I began to wonder about what was so great about him anyway?
When someone is gone, we tend to remember only the good times – but after meeting that person again, we suddenly remember all the bad times too! And then you realize, that you are in fact standing in the same murky waters of the same river, all over again.
However, there is one difference this time.
This time, the water isn’t even soaking your feet. It, magically, isn’t even touching your feet or your clothes or anything like that. That water is just swirling about, avoiding your feet altogether.
Essentially, the memories of old frustrations come back, but those same frustrations aren’t yours any more. You’ve given them up a long time back. Now you are simply angry – at yourself more than anything else.
And yes, I was angry at myself.
So many years have gone by – somehow I am in control of my life now. But back then, so many years ago, I wasn’t. And I am angry with myself for being such a fool.
But then I also realized something – when you say that someone is a certain way and you don’t like it, that means that you have that certain quality in yourself which you don’t like, and you are essentially projecting it on that person.
For example, this ex. His deeply upheld philosophical belief system is one of Pure Escapism. According to him ‘Anything that is emotional and causes pain and frustration can cause complications and is therefore, avoidable. And if it is avoidable, one should avoid it at all costs’.
Wow! How come I never saw it before!
But see, the crux of the matter is this: back when I met him, I was in the throes of my Escapism, my addiction. I was running away from and avoiding life itself. And naturally, those vibes of mine attracted someone who was more of an escapist than I could ever aspire to be. Which is probably why he and I ended up together in the first place – unconsciously we both knew that deep down inside, in the core, we are both the same – Escapists.
Now, I feel kinda sorry for him. Poor thing. I mean, he is just running away from life itself, isn’t it? I mean, if there are no emotions, no pain, no frustrations, no drama, no complications yada-yada-yada, then do we have life? No we just have a dull, boring, blank canvas with no hopes of ever getting a picture on it. And he just keeps on running away from life. Which, in my estimation, makes him a total idiot.
And of course, I told him so. To his face. Made me feel lots better, I must say. 😛
The fact is that I am not an Escapist anymore – not unless I am writing a story, that is. I have, in fact, found a very amazing outlet, a channel, for those escapist tendencies. All the imagination has a very interesting ocean towards which it flows.
Essentially, like does attract like. So when I was in the throes of my ‘OMG I think I just discovered Sex’ phase, I met a guy with whom I had the most awesome chemistry ever. And when I was in my Escapist, addiction phase, I met Mr. Escapism Himself. And then when I was in the phase of exploring my own creative and emotional depths, I met PK – one of the most talented people I have ever known.
Realization: Sometimes after the old water has already flowed (is this the right word, grammatically speaking?) from under the old bridge, it is interesting to step into the same into the same river again, albeit that might teach you something new after all!