Today, a friend of mine asked me for a favour. Something to do with an ex-boyfriend of hers.

If this would have been me from before, I would have taken the time to counsel her, tell her about the pattern of negativity that I’ve seen repeating in her life, and I would have spent hours trying to get her to stop destroying her life.

Instead, I told her that I couldn’t help her, and that she should figure it out on her own.

I waited all day to feel even a small twinge of guilt, but all I felt was relief.

As days go by, I think I will most certainly get better at this. Soon, I will be able to behave like most people in this world – uncaring of the other human beings in their midst.

I do this not because of some misplaced desire to fit in. No. I’m doing this so I can stop being the shoulder that everyone thinks that they can cry on.

Here comes the part of my life where I embrace my shallow-ness. 

Actually, I Can Only Feel Sorry For Them

Actually, I Can Only Feel Sorry For Them

Recently, I’ve realized that, for some people I am either a shoulder to cry on, or an easy prey for their petty games.
Simply because I am caring and compassionate, and because I am honest and upfront, it doesn’t mean that they get to lean on me when they are in trouble, or take me for a ride just because they feel like it.
I’m not going to change who I am, or become like them, simply because they hurt me.
It’s not that I don’t feel the hurt. I do. Probably deeper than most.
When it hurts, I cry too.
In the end, I only end up feeling sorry for them.
Because it is harder to hate. It is easier to love.
It is heavier to carry the hate.
That’s what makes it easier for me to move on. To let go.
While I can and do let go of my burden, they are still at the mercy of theirs.
It is unfortunate, but true. They can’t help yourself, but I can. And I do.
These are the people who lean on someone, burden someone with their suffering, and then walk away feeling light.
These are the people who think they can hurt someone and get away with it.
The vulnerability that honesty requiresThese are the people who can’t seem to let go of their compulsive need to be energy vampires.
When I let go, I also let go of the cord that connects them with me.
When you hold on to the anger and the pain, these people keep getting energized from it.
The best way to get them to be deflated is for me to let go of the connection.
Once the connection is severed, they seem to flounder about for a bit, but they do manage to find someone else to leech off. It’s like an addiction for them, and they are powerless in its clutches.
It’s actually quite sad to watch them do this to themselves. That’s why I can only summon up a bit of pity for such people. Nothing more. 
Even with all the compassion in my heart, I can’t seem to feel anything more for these people.

Why are People So Mean?

When people are mean to you even when you haven’t done anything bad to them, usually it is because they are unable to cope with some quality within you that they aren’t able to generate within themselves.
the-way-people-treat-youDue to whatever their personal life experiences may have been, they find it extremely difficult to retain their ‘good’ self, and thus, they evolve into hurtful people.
Then, when they meet someone who is nice and kind despite all the bad stuff that she went through, some sort of trigger just goes off inside them.
Sometimes, they aren’t even consciously aware that this is happening to them. 
They just can’t stand being around the person who makes them feel like a volcano about to erupt. They have to do something hurtful and mean, just so they can feel good about the choices that they’ve made in their lives.
With some people, it is almost compulsive. They can’t seem to help themselves.
They have a low sense of self-worth to begin with, which makes them stoop to such levels to raise their own self-image. Without doing these and other similar things, they can’t seem to find any sense of accomplishment in their lives.

I’m NOT All That Awesome to Begin With

Hey! I’m not saying that I’m an all round ‘goody two-shoes’.
Far from it!
I am made of flawsI have my flaws too:
– I can be quite lazy.
– I procrastinate – A LOT.
– I babble when I’m nervous.
– I pretty much wear my heart on my sleeve.
– I am very fixed in my way of thinking. Once I’ve made up my mind: I. Won’t. Budge.
– In a very King of Pentacles way, I like things done a certain way only.
– I am quite the couch potato.
– Unless I’m sleeping, I am pretty much glued to a screen of some sort at any given time.
– The Writer inside me is always pecking away at my insides, which makes me very fidgety and short-tempered, especially when my writing is not going my way.
– Once I’m done with someone, or something, I’m done. I don’t ever go back. I can forgive. But I can’t do a memory wipe.
Man, I could go on and on about my flaws! 😉
However, just because I’ve been hurt by people and then some, do I have to become a person who also hurts people or is mean to people in return?
Do I have to hurt the people who hurt me?
I don’t think so.
I recognize the fact that I don’t have to.
And that has given me the power to remain steadfast to my core beliefs.

Law of Attraction

Just as like attracts like, the law of attraction ensures that the opposite will also hold true. In short, I am just as likely to meet the nice people as I’m likely to meet the not-so-nice people.
Just Because I Forgive People...However,
– By choosing to walk away from people who have decided to hurt me or were mean and hurtful to me, doesn’t mean that I am stopping myself from being a caring, compassionate and honest person.
– By the very fact that I choose not to end up becoming like them, and by the very fact that I choose not to take any kind of ‘revenge’ on them, I essentially end up retaining my core self in a stronger form.
– I’m simply walking away from people who created bad vibes in my life. I’m walking out of a relationship that is not good for me, will not be in any way enriching and fulfilling for me.
And yes, while it may hurt, in the long run, it is for the best.
For me, as well as for them.
– For me, it means that I won’t be around people who are not aligned with my life’s energy flow.
– And for them, it means that their weird triggers won’t get set off because of me.
I see that as a win-win all around.

Oh Yes, I Rant

Oh Yes, I Rant

I scream. I yell. I screech like a banshee.
I cackle like a withered old crone.
Rub the snot off my nose. Hot, angry tears spring forth.
I curse like a sailor till I’m blue in my face.
I let go so I can let it go.

I’ve held it all inside of me.
This anger. For years. Millenia.
Didn’t utter hurtful words.
Always thought of your feelings first.

The gloves come off.
The shit hits the fan.
The lid blows away.
The masks crack open.
Revealing ugliness within.

Regrets come unbound,
This pain has no sound.
Words that now hurt you.
Tears that now fall from my eyes.
This ache that sears my insides.

Things I couldn’t say before,
Finally burst out of my mouth.
The hurt I kept inside
Eloquently finds a way out.

I am become Medusa,
Punished for loving.
Turning what I see into stone.
Snakes fall from my hair,
Spew their poison everywhere.
I wander about, waiting for the end.

It hurts you now,
These words that I say.
It didn’t hurt you then,
As you gave me the pain.
All of you made me this way.
Now you want me to walk away.
You warn me, snidely,
Counsel me not to rant again.

I am not allowed to say what I feel.
A dog on a leash, you call me to heel.
All of you forget, how one by one,
You rend the bonds, kicked me, made me run.
You cut me loose. Now you would tie me down.
How funny! You can’t even reap what you’ve sown.

Oh Yes! I will rant. And I will rave.
For all the love that I gave.
This is the epitaph,
Scratched upon this grave.
I gave up. I lost. I withdrew.
These were my reasons.
This was my hurt. This was my pain.

I have to mourn. To set me free.
The ugly truth. That painful story.
Now only words written upon the wind.
Fluttering away, scrawled on the sand.

Meeting of The Minds

My definition of ‘Friendship’ between a guy and a girl: The ability to say “I love you” without having to explain that the feeling is NOT ROMANTIC at all.

Unfortunately, I haven’t met such a guy ever in my entire life.

Sucks, right?


Why Does It Have To Make Sense?

Just finished watching an old re-run of a Sex and the City episode that was titled ‘ex and the city’. You know, for whatever reason I could never identify with any of the four girls in the series – and even more so with Carrie. Many a times I have been told that I say / write / do stuff just like she does – but I say that I am in no way like her. Why? Well… in this particular episode, Big gets engaged to some girl called Natasha, and then she finally goes and asks him why it wasn’t her. And of course, the precursor to all this is a discussion between all the four friends about how they can / cannot be friends with their EXes.

It suddenly struck me, that I have never had that problem. And that I was always good friends with all my EXes. No matter what we ended up doing to each other during the relationship, the friendship between us always remained good.

It is strange.

And for whatever reason, whenever the guys I have broken up with go on to get engaged / married to other women, the first thought that ever comes into my mind is “Thank God! It’s not me over there”.

And no, it is not a statement about the guy. It is just a statement about me.

No matter how many kinds of guys I have dated, it always boils down to one simple fact. I have never felt that this fella was THE ONE. Maybe it is not really about them. It is about me. And I don’t mean that in a bad way. Those guys have been nice. For the most part. It is just me. I am just not the type to simply settle for what I get. When it comes down to the BIG CHOICE I am pretty choosy. I have my own measures and standards (which I am not going to share right now), but then these guys never quite cut it.

Maybe it is something to do with Saturn being in my Ascendant House and looking at my Relationship house – who knows? But no matter how nice the guy is, I just don’t get the ‘HE’S THE ONE’ feeling with anyone!

And all these thoughts got me thinking – why does life have to revolve around that big choice? I mean, isn’t my life about ME? Why does it have to involve finding a man, and then landing the man? Why can’t it just be all about me? Perhaps, that is just it. That is how I have always lived my life. It is all about me for me.

Does this mean that I am a selfish person – or maybe self centered? Maybe… Maybe Yes… But then I am not complaining.

Carrie also said something towards the end of that episode which struck me as the perfect thing:

“Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they’re supposed to run wild until they find someone — just as wild — to run with.”

Yup! That is exactly it…

Once, long ago, a guy told me something (which he thought was a very profound thought) – he said “Life is something that happens to you when you are busy making other plans”.

I didn’t tell him then, but I don’t quite agree to this idea.

Life is something that happens to you when all your plans go haywire.

It is when it all starts to fall apart, that you really know what goes where and you slowly figure out how to put it back together – only to have it fall apart all over again. And this time ’round, the puzzle pieces don’t fit back the same way – this is a puzzle that keeps changing all the time and you try to keep putting it back together.

But then, perhaps, it is not a puzzle that is supposed to be solved. Perhaps all we can do is just let the pieces of the puzzle fly around and fall as they may and then we simply don’t put it back together!

Maybe that is exactly what it is – why does it all have to make sense all the time? Why does it all have to get (re)solved all the time? Why can’t it be haywire so that we can enjoy the flow of ‘WHAT IS’, rather than hoping and waiting for ‘WHAT COULD BE’.

Heck! Suddenly it has started to make sense to me after all…

Updated! Ready to Go!

Well… many of you have written to me wondering why I haven’t updated and sent out my latest newsletter yet!

To be honest with you folks, it has been a rough ride for me. And I know that this must be sounding like one hell of a long, and repetitive complaint – but trust me, it has been a rough ride for me. I am going to come out and say it like a man – I am missing India and my life there and my friends over there – every single damn thing about India..

It is not like USA is a bad place or whatever, but I miss my life. And it is not like I don’t like it here or anything – I do. And so, I am on this weird roller-coaster ride in and out of funks and depressions. I guess, over a period of time, I will get over it. Meanwhile, I finally took some time out to update my website. And it even includes a couple of funky forms for when you want to Request a Quote or for when you want to Book a Reading. I have even included a slide-show of my Portfolio on the website – so you can all be dazzled by the different assignments I have done!

Emotional and Sentimental

This hit me yesterday – I am going to have only 10 more days before I leave India for ever and ever. I really have no idea when I am going to come back – if I am going to come back at all…Who knows what lies ahead in the future.

Although I am excited to go to the USA and spend time with my mother etc etc, I know in my heart that my life is going to change for ever. Nothing is going to remain the same in my life.

I mean, in all probability, I am going to remain the same (or maybe I will ‘evolve’ [can I say the word??]) – but no matter what, the external environment around me is surely going to change.

Nothing ever remains the same. All things change. And change is the only constant in life.

Strange. After a bit of struggle etc my life here was actually taking off and I was doing quite well for myself. Finally, I had begun to feel as if I was growing little shoots (the mini version of roots) and … and then out of the blue all these things just began to move and things happened.

I had known about these things for at least 6-8 months now, but I had decided against writing / speaking about it to anyone. I don’t know. Maybe I got a bit superstitious. The last time I had advertised about my visa to all and sundry, and then when I hadn’t received the visa, I had felt so nuts…everyone used to ask me about it and I didn’t want to even talk about it. In fact, ever since my mom had applied for my visa, the whole story had grown and grown to actual mythical proportions.

Immigration visas to USA under certain categories take as long as 8 years to come through. Mine happened in 6 years.

Several times during the past 6 years, I have even seen a slight sneer in peoples’ tones and voices when they used to talk about the whole ‘Oh! You are eventually going to the USA’ business.

I mean, hey, I understand. This is the way things work in the world. And there is nothing I can do to change things.

And so this time, I didn’t breathe a word to anyone. Only 3-4 close friends knew of this – one was the husband-wife duo with whom I was staying whenever I had to go to Mumbai. One was my student-friend who was giving me Reiki. And no one else would’ve guessed.

So when I came back on the evening of the 31st of December and SMSed everyone, most people were shocked. No one was expecting this news.

Ah. Well.

I know a new life awaits me – there will be some certain challenges as well – I can foresee some, and some I will come to know when I go there.

I spent as much time as I could meeting up with all the good friends of mine – those who bothered to come down and meet me anyways…

At this moment, I am feeling so emotional and sentimental, it’s not funny.

And in the midst of all this hullabaloo, I discovered that I had misplaced my graduation mark sheets. I got PK to call up D and I called up her friend to see if they had the documents by any chance. Of course, the friend denied having it – perhaps she didn’t. D refused to help out. So I did what I had to do – I prayed to Meher Baba – asked him to make sure that if someone had those documents, then they would return them to me, and then, in the meantime, I went to the University and applied for a duplicate set of mark sheets.

Then I went on with my life.

On the Saturday just gone, D calls up PK and tells him that she has the mark sheets, and she wants him to come pick them up from her. She had come down to Pune for some work and she dropped them off for him. He got them, and brought them over to my place.

So the next day, I messaged D and thanked her for caring enough to return the documents to me.

I guess deep down inside, neither of us wants to really go out of the way to hurt each other. But then D and I never really worked that way. Some of her books and stuff were with me, and when I discovered that, I had simply returned them to her. So I guess, when she discovered that she had my documents, she returned them to me. It happens.

So now, all my accounts are closed – Karmic and otherwise…am going to leave the country of my birth and go live in a strange land where it snows all the time – I don’t know when I can ever stand in the sunlight the way I do right now – and am going into a totally different culture: In short am going into the UNKNOWN.

But you know what, I am not getting anxious or worried – because that has never solved my problem.

What I am getting is emotional and sentimental.

Here is a list of things that I will actually miss: This place – this house, the people, the circle of friends, the whole ‘hanging out at Prems’, my group of Tarot students, some good clients who have become friends over a period of time, spending time watching silly Hindi movies at the mall, getting stuck in a traffic jam and hurling abuses in Hindi, Marathi and English at the other person, singing along (loudly) to Hindi songs anywhere and everywhere with friends, SMOKING, just picking up the phone and calling my friends over for chai – or going over to their place for chai – or meeting up without any damn reason and having chai, gossiping about this and that, the seasons and the festivals and the fun that they brought along with them, INDIA – my Motherland, the smell of the earth just before it rains, the smell of the raatrani flowers in my lane when we used to walk down in the night, NALU – My maid and my home-management-support-system…..the list will just go on and on and will probably not end so soon….

32 years in a country, and poof, it is all set to change.

I guess, this is the way of it. A chapter ends. A new chapter begins.